Hello world,
Woohoo! 1st trimester down, when u hit week 13 its not so scary anymore! I let hubby announce it on facebook for his birthday too, he'd been a bit down after some family drama resulted in him and his brother fighting when we announced it to them so I thought 'hey, he deserves some happy congratulations!'. Honestly I feel like I could happily keep this our little secret for a while yet but secrets out now ;-)
Our little Pie is a bit excited by the news too, she doesn't really understand just yet but its all a bit exciting anyway and I'm starting to feel half-way human again finally which helps. I know its early days but I've felt a few flutters that might just be the baby. If I hadn't had Pie I wouldn't recognise them but I'm fairly sure they are little baby flutters. Really looking forward to more flutters and getting to see our baby again at 18 weeks. I'm wishing we had of had a 12week scan now!
jodi x
Friday 11 October 2013
Sick!
Hello world,
My god I'm sick this time around! No vomiting but seriously I was never this nauseous with Piper. If I don't get enough sleep the day is a right off, I just feel so sick all day long! Its oddly satisfying and quite a relief but its still awful LOL.
In exciting news I'm sharing being pregnant with a very good friend again so thats exciting too!
Anyway, I'll blog later, when the computer stops making me feel motion sick!
jodi x
My god I'm sick this time around! No vomiting but seriously I was never this nauseous with Piper. If I don't get enough sleep the day is a right off, I just feel so sick all day long! Its oddly satisfying and quite a relief but its still awful LOL.
In exciting news I'm sharing being pregnant with a very good friend again so thats exciting too!
Anyway, I'll blog later, when the computer stops making me feel motion sick!
Waiting to relax!
Hello world,
I'm just waiting to relax now. I wonder when the point of relaxation will arrive. When I've had an ultra sound? When I can feel daily movements? When I'm holding a baby in my arms? Who knows really? Do mummas ever really relax anyway?
But I'm looking to relax a little more than I currently am so I'm going to have an early ultrasound at 7 weeks. When I miscarried, the lovely staff at the Early Pregnancy Assessment Clinic suggested an early ultrasound to help put my mind at ease next time around and even said I could call them and do it there if I wanted to. So I will.
I had a tiny bit of spotting last night, probably nothing to be concerned about but still enough to make me feel quite nervous. I'm 6 weeks, I was 5 weeks when the long drawn out miscarriage happened last time so that feels like an achievement to make it past 5 weeks and honestly, I feel pregnant. I feel nauseous and super tired, my breasts are still really sore and they look different (one of the first things I noticed when I was pregnant with Piper!). So next week we will get to see our little baby hopefully and I will feel more relaxed :-D
jodi x
I'm just waiting to relax now. I wonder when the point of relaxation will arrive. When I've had an ultra sound? When I can feel daily movements? When I'm holding a baby in my arms? Who knows really? Do mummas ever really relax anyway?
But I'm looking to relax a little more than I currently am so I'm going to have an early ultrasound at 7 weeks. When I miscarried, the lovely staff at the Early Pregnancy Assessment Clinic suggested an early ultrasound to help put my mind at ease next time around and even said I could call them and do it there if I wanted to. So I will.
I had a tiny bit of spotting last night, probably nothing to be concerned about but still enough to make me feel quite nervous. I'm 6 weeks, I was 5 weeks when the long drawn out miscarriage happened last time so that feels like an achievement to make it past 5 weeks and honestly, I feel pregnant. I feel nauseous and super tired, my breasts are still really sore and they look different (one of the first things I noticed when I was pregnant with Piper!). So next week we will get to see our little baby hopefully and I will feel more relaxed :-D
jodi x
2 pink lines
Hello world,
Yep, you read it here first! 2 pink lines, not even little pink lines, strong pink lines!
It feels too early to celebrate of course, in fact I'm partly terrified! My brains full of ranting and raving thoughts that are really scaring the bejesus out of me. The big negative ones are;
I've called up my specialist to order blood tests, I don't want to let my mind get away with me just yet and if there is a baby in there its still very early days and a lot can change...
jodi x
Yep, you read it here first! 2 pink lines, not even little pink lines, strong pink lines!
It feels too early to celebrate of course, in fact I'm partly terrified! My brains full of ranting and raving thoughts that are really scaring the bejesus out of me. The big negative ones are;
- Low day 21 results, does that mean I'll lose the baby?
- Its due date is 14th March 2014, miscarried babies due date was 15th of March 2013; that doesnt seem like a good sign to me! (Piper was due 5th March 2011 - I seem to have a pretty slim fertile window there!)
- We're going to have a baby!!!!!!
I've called up my specialist to order blood tests, I don't want to let my mind get away with me just yet and if there is a baby in there its still very early days and a lot can change...
jodi x
Late
Hello world,
So this week brings with it a late period! So confused! Does that mean that the ovulation results weren't even high enough for an ovulation??? But they were higher this month than last month and I got my period then so why is it now 2 days late?...
If my period decides to take a month off again (or a couple of months off!) then there is nothing that can be done until it decides to return. Just wait. I hate this feeling of hopelessness; just waiting for my body to do what its supposed to! At least if my period arrived like it was supposed to I could be popping those 3 little white pills, raging like a crazy person at my husband, laying awake at all hours of the night then needing to sleep all day due to the skull shattering headaches ; doing something! Not just waiting!
I've still got lots of side affects anyway! Feel sick, breasts sore, PMS on crack, exhausted and headachey and I can't decide if they are the oncoming period or the hang around from last months 10 little pills.
Of course my brain occasionally skims past the idea of a BFP, maybe this month is our miracle month but then I think 'Day 21 results measure progesterone, low progesterone can be a cause of miscarriage... Do I even want a BFP if it will end up in a miscarriage????"
Counting the days, trying not to get my hopes up, just hoping for my period for a change!
jodi x
So this week brings with it a late period! So confused! Does that mean that the ovulation results weren't even high enough for an ovulation??? But they were higher this month than last month and I got my period then so why is it now 2 days late?...
If my period decides to take a month off again (or a couple of months off!) then there is nothing that can be done until it decides to return. Just wait. I hate this feeling of hopelessness; just waiting for my body to do what its supposed to! At least if my period arrived like it was supposed to I could be popping those 3 little white pills, raging like a crazy person at my husband, laying awake at all hours of the night then needing to sleep all day due to the skull shattering headaches ; doing something! Not just waiting!
I've still got lots of side affects anyway! Feel sick, breasts sore, PMS on crack, exhausted and headachey and I can't decide if they are the oncoming period or the hang around from last months 10 little pills.
Of course my brain occasionally skims past the idea of a BFP, maybe this month is our miracle month but then I think 'Day 21 results measure progesterone, low progesterone can be a cause of miscarriage... Do I even want a BFP if it will end up in a miscarriage????"
Counting the days, trying not to get my hopes up, just hoping for my period for a change!
jodi x
More dud ovulation results :-(
Hello world,
Feeling a bit sad today, my results were again 'a positive ovulation but not as high as they should to be'. Excuse me, I'm just gonna have a moment;
"WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So what does this mean? I need to up my dosage to 3 pills and fingers crossed we get a level the Dr likes and I'm still married by the end of month 3.
I think the worst thing about chlomid is when the side affects make me a horrible mumma. Just the other night I snapped at Pie in a way that I have snapped before (I didn't touch hurt, just yelled at hr with such anger that I didn't recognise myself!). She burst into tears and started crying for her Daddy. I felt like the worst mumma in the world and joined in with the crying, sobbing how sorry I was and how much I love her BUT sorry doesn't take it back. Sorry doesn't erase it from her little heart and it doesn't make her forget how scared she was of me in that moment. Is this even worth it??? To make matters worse the symptoms haven't even gone away fully this time; my boobs are sooo sore, I'm crazy hormonal, so tired and just feel like absolute crap! I wish I were stronger than the chlomid coaster but right now I feel like its beaten me down.
jodi x
Feeling a bit sad today, my results were again 'a positive ovulation but not as high as they should to be'. Excuse me, I'm just gonna have a moment;
"WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So what does this mean? I need to up my dosage to 3 pills and fingers crossed we get a level the Dr likes and I'm still married by the end of month 3.
I think the worst thing about chlomid is when the side affects make me a horrible mumma. Just the other night I snapped at Pie in a way that I have snapped before (I didn't touch hurt, just yelled at hr with such anger that I didn't recognise myself!). She burst into tears and started crying for her Daddy. I felt like the worst mumma in the world and joined in with the crying, sobbing how sorry I was and how much I love her BUT sorry doesn't take it back. Sorry doesn't erase it from her little heart and it doesn't make her forget how scared she was of me in that moment. Is this even worth it??? To make matters worse the symptoms haven't even gone away fully this time; my boobs are sooo sore, I'm crazy hormonal, so tired and just feel like absolute crap! I wish I were stronger than the chlomid coaster but right now I feel like its beaten me down.
jodi x
Month 2 - 2 times the trouble!
Hello world,
Good news, my OB checked my results in time to up my dosage, bad news my 5 little white pills went to 10 little white pills. I don't know if the side affects were worse, the headache was perhaps more persistent and the angry/teary balance was like one of those birds dipping its head in the angry cup and coming up for a breath of fresh teary air repeatedly. But at least this time I knew what to expect. I'm scared tho as I've been visiting Dr Google and my day 21 blood results were really low :-( Wonder if we will ever make this baby.
jodi x
Good news, my OB checked my results in time to up my dosage, bad news my 5 little white pills went to 10 little white pills. I don't know if the side affects were worse, the headache was perhaps more persistent and the angry/teary balance was like one of those birds dipping its head in the angry cup and coming up for a breath of fresh teary air repeatedly. But at least this time I knew what to expect. I'm scared tho as I've been visiting Dr Google and my day 21 blood results were really low :-( Wonder if we will ever make this baby.
jodi x
Thursday 26 September 2013
Dud ovulation results
Hello world,
So the chlomid coaster of month 1 resulted in pretty much SFA. AND my OB is away so if he doesn't check in with the office and decide to increase my dosage in the next 5days, I'll be on cycle 2 with all its shitty side affects that lead to a crappy ovulation that won't make a baby anyway... Sigh...
Jodi x
So the chlomid coaster of month 1 resulted in pretty much SFA. AND my OB is away so if he doesn't check in with the office and decide to increase my dosage in the next 5days, I'll be on cycle 2 with all its shitty side affects that lead to a crappy ovulation that won't make a baby anyway... Sigh...
Jodi x
Why chlomid sucks!
Hello world,
Well my husband has great sperm. Yay! Except that means the problem is me! Woot! And that problem is PCOS. Now, I was told this was my problem way back when I was 16 and I'd been on a special pill for most of my adult life. BUT I got pregnant straight up with Piper and straight up with the miscarriage so although it was a problem, I assumed it wasn't really a problem for me. Sure it makes me pile weight on easily and grow crappy facial hair and get pimpley but it didn't affect my fertility... Until now. And because it does not, its super drug time (Sarcasm on the 'super drug' but if it works I probably won't remember how shitful it is.. probably).
So why does chlomid suck? After all its just 5 little pills, how bad can it be???
Let me outline just a few little things that you won't know about chlomid unless you've taken a ride on the chlomid coaster. My specialist told me "The side affects are minimal, just normal PMS symptoms really." (thank you doctor with penis who has never had PMS or Chlomid, that advice was super helpful!)... Anyway Chlomid sucks because:
jodi x
Well my husband has great sperm. Yay! Except that means the problem is me! Woot! And that problem is PCOS. Now, I was told this was my problem way back when I was 16 and I'd been on a special pill for most of my adult life. BUT I got pregnant straight up with Piper and straight up with the miscarriage so although it was a problem, I assumed it wasn't really a problem for me. Sure it makes me pile weight on easily and grow crappy facial hair and get pimpley but it didn't affect my fertility... Until now. And because it does not, its super drug time (Sarcasm on the 'super drug' but if it works I probably won't remember how shitful it is.. probably).
So why does chlomid suck? After all its just 5 little pills, how bad can it be???
Let me outline just a few little things that you won't know about chlomid unless you've taken a ride on the chlomid coaster. My specialist told me "The side affects are minimal, just normal PMS symptoms really." (thank you doctor with penis who has never had PMS or Chlomid, that advice was super helpful!)... Anyway Chlomid sucks because:
- From 2hrs after I took the first of those little tablets I had a headache, and this headache lasted for WEEKS (and when u have a 4week cycle it doesnt give u much of a break between cycle 1 headache and cycle 2 headache!)! I wake up and before my eyes even opened, I have a headache! A constant, dull, aching headache that panadeine barely takes the edge off. I have never taken so much panadeine in my life and honeslty, I might as well have been taking tic-tacs for all the help it was!).
- Chlomid kills any desire you have for sex (which, after trying for a few months, isn't a whole lot of desire anyway!) which makes baby making a bit more challenging.
- But chlomid does give you a new and massive desire to kill your husband (not helpful when u need his best swimmers to try and catch one of your chemically induced ovulators!).
- Bring on the crying, and lots of it, about anything and everything; 'a drop of rain just landed on my windscreen and now I feel like the whole fucking world is against me!!!!!" cry cry cry etc.
- Also the screaming, ranting and general tantruming; for example my husband just breathed and I heard him so now I'm going to scream at him like I just caught him in bed with another woman while he stares at me like a bewildered bunny rabbit, trapped in the headlights of an oncoming SUV.
- Chlomid taken at night makes sleep almost impossible! But I'm scared to take it in the morning and be hit with the full assault of all the side affects during the day with my beautiful daughter stuck dealing with me!
- Chlomid makes me so horrible that even my poor little girl gets snapped at and then I feel like the worlds worst mother and wonder if I should even be given another child to care for and love!
- Thanks to chlomid, I now have more hot flushes then my poor menopausal Mum and ppl think these are the normal hormonal hot flushes u get from time to time anyway but no - these are like suddenly finding urself in the pits of hells inferno!
jodi x
Saturday 6 April 2013
So long...
Hello world,
I really must be the world's worst blogger - its once again been such a long time!
Such a long time in fact that the baby I lost 'should' be here in my arms by now. But its not. And we aren't pregnant yet either.
Honestly, I'm in a pretty good place all in all. Don't get me wrong, it really stings when I see pictures of all the March/April babies that seem to be bombarding my Facebook feed. They remind me of what I lost and that reminder makes my heart (and womb) ache. And I definitely feel bitter when I hear anyone complain about their tiny babies, which no doubt makes people think the worst of me. I wish I could make them see that some of us would do anything to be having those bad moments, and that they are outnumbered by all the amazing ones that we are longing for too.
But this week I realised the things I would have lost if we hadn't lost that little baby and I am grateful to have had those things. Enjoying all the things Pie and I get to do together right now, as she moves from baby to little girl, things I wouldn't always have the time for if we had another baby in our home. The clarity that the loss of a pregnancy brings - I count myself so lucky for the blessing of Pie and I won't ever take pregnancy for granted if I am lucky enough to experience it again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy it happened but it did happen and this week I'm realising that sometimes things really do happen for a reason, even if its impossible to see at the time.
I am however sad that along the way I've lost my certainty. I always 'knew' in my heart that I would have a big family, 3 or 4 kids minimum. But lately I find myself thinking "if we have a 2nd baby" not "when we have our 2nd baby". Its not even something I'm conscious of, its just a change of thinking that has occurred in me and so I say if where I used to say when. Of course this is met by "it'll happen!" "don't talk like that - when you have another baby.." etc from well meaning friends and family but in truth, they don't know that, anymore than I do and no one can make promises that it will happen. Logically I know there is a good chance of it - we've been tested and the results are mostly good news - but in my heart I am at "if", its not that I've given up hoping or wanting or planning, just that I've stopped knowing that it will happen.
Our fertility journey continues to be bumpy, I am set to start fertility medications BUT we just have to wait for my body to play the game. I'm certainly being tested in patience but I'm trying to convince myself that this waiting is just so the universe can get the timing just right and that we will have a 2nd baby in our family some day in the not too distant future :-) Maybe once I'm convinced again then it will be!
jodi x
I really must be the world's worst blogger - its once again been such a long time!
Such a long time in fact that the baby I lost 'should' be here in my arms by now. But its not. And we aren't pregnant yet either.
Honestly, I'm in a pretty good place all in all. Don't get me wrong, it really stings when I see pictures of all the March/April babies that seem to be bombarding my Facebook feed. They remind me of what I lost and that reminder makes my heart (and womb) ache. And I definitely feel bitter when I hear anyone complain about their tiny babies, which no doubt makes people think the worst of me. I wish I could make them see that some of us would do anything to be having those bad moments, and that they are outnumbered by all the amazing ones that we are longing for too.
But this week I realised the things I would have lost if we hadn't lost that little baby and I am grateful to have had those things. Enjoying all the things Pie and I get to do together right now, as she moves from baby to little girl, things I wouldn't always have the time for if we had another baby in our home. The clarity that the loss of a pregnancy brings - I count myself so lucky for the blessing of Pie and I won't ever take pregnancy for granted if I am lucky enough to experience it again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy it happened but it did happen and this week I'm realising that sometimes things really do happen for a reason, even if its impossible to see at the time.
I am however sad that along the way I've lost my certainty. I always 'knew' in my heart that I would have a big family, 3 or 4 kids minimum. But lately I find myself thinking "if we have a 2nd baby" not "when we have our 2nd baby". Its not even something I'm conscious of, its just a change of thinking that has occurred in me and so I say if where I used to say when. Of course this is met by "it'll happen!" "don't talk like that - when you have another baby.." etc from well meaning friends and family but in truth, they don't know that, anymore than I do and no one can make promises that it will happen. Logically I know there is a good chance of it - we've been tested and the results are mostly good news - but in my heart I am at "if", its not that I've given up hoping or wanting or planning, just that I've stopped knowing that it will happen.
Our fertility journey continues to be bumpy, I am set to start fertility medications BUT we just have to wait for my body to play the game. I'm certainly being tested in patience but I'm trying to convince myself that this waiting is just so the universe can get the timing just right and that we will have a 2nd baby in our family some day in the not too distant future :-) Maybe once I'm convinced again then it will be!
jodi x
Tuesday 29 January 2013
Friday 25 January 2013
"Sad"
There is a song I'm loving at the moment and have been loving since the MC happened. It certainly doesn't exactly fit my circumstances but it fits for me all the same. Its below if you want to read it - Maroon 5 - Sad.
I sometimes wish there were a magic erase button in life. I know that everything happens for a reason and that life has a certain way of doing things but sometimes its hard to remember that and some days I'm just sad and life would be so much easier if i could just erase the memory of those 3 positive pregnancy tests. Then my MC would just be a late and heavier than normal period and my 2 "false positives/chemical pregnancies/phantom pregnancies/mind fucks" would be too. I often wonder if I could have done somethings differently to make the outcome of the MC different - if I'd just listened to my body and rested instead of overdoing things in the post move clean up would I still be pregnant now? And yes I know the professionals say there is usually nothing you can do to change these things BUT part of me thinks "Of course they say that, if they didn't there would be a whole heap of women going crazy in their guilt and grief!" Another things is that I blame my body for not doing what it should have, for not nurturing that little egg and of course I play the "What would life have been like if...." .... 'If' is hard... And honestly, some days I feel like I am only holding on by a thin thread, some days I feel like it wouldn't take much to break me. And some days simple things do break me - seeing a new born photo on facebook, hearing another proud mum-to-be announce her pregnancy, someone complaining about having their hands-full with their multiple children or that their baby kept them up all night or wants to be fed or snuggled a lot at the moment, seeing how much Piper would love a baby while she plays with her dolls or clucks over friends babies; some days those kind of things are enough to reduce me to tears. Some days it puts a wedge between Kev and I because it makes me pull away into myself which makes him try and pull me closer which in turn makes me pull away more. I know he doesn't understand how I feel and that's ok, I don't want him to completely understand - he has his own experience of it and I wouldn't want him to feel it from my side because I love him and don't want him to hurt more than he already does/did. Anyway... so this is my song, I listen to it in the car and sing is loud a lot - just to get my sad out there so that it doesn't take control :-)
"Sad"
I sometimes wish there were a magic erase button in life. I know that everything happens for a reason and that life has a certain way of doing things but sometimes its hard to remember that and some days I'm just sad and life would be so much easier if i could just erase the memory of those 3 positive pregnancy tests. Then my MC would just be a late and heavier than normal period and my 2 "false positives/chemical pregnancies/phantom pregnancies/mind fucks" would be too. I often wonder if I could have done somethings differently to make the outcome of the MC different - if I'd just listened to my body and rested instead of overdoing things in the post move clean up would I still be pregnant now? And yes I know the professionals say there is usually nothing you can do to change these things BUT part of me thinks "Of course they say that, if they didn't there would be a whole heap of women going crazy in their guilt and grief!" Another things is that I blame my body for not doing what it should have, for not nurturing that little egg and of course I play the "What would life have been like if...." .... 'If' is hard... And honestly, some days I feel like I am only holding on by a thin thread, some days I feel like it wouldn't take much to break me. And some days simple things do break me - seeing a new born photo on facebook, hearing another proud mum-to-be announce her pregnancy, someone complaining about having their hands-full with their multiple children or that their baby kept them up all night or wants to be fed or snuggled a lot at the moment, seeing how much Piper would love a baby while she plays with her dolls or clucks over friends babies; some days those kind of things are enough to reduce me to tears. Some days it puts a wedge between Kev and I because it makes me pull away into myself which makes him try and pull me closer which in turn makes me pull away more. I know he doesn't understand how I feel and that's ok, I don't want him to completely understand - he has his own experience of it and I wouldn't want him to feel it from my side because I love him and don't want him to hurt more than he already does/did. Anyway... so this is my song, I listen to it in the car and sing is loud a lot - just to get my sad out there so that it doesn't take control :-)
"Sad"
Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad
Monday 21 January 2013
It's just so hard!
Hello world,
It's just so hard!
Here's a post I started a few month ago when I was right bang in the middle of the anger... Still applies but not quite so hostile anymore so I thought I would continue it - the old stuff is in italic, the new stuff is normal...
I get so sick of hearing and reading this EVERYWHERE!
My new born baby is waking through the night to feed, its just so hard - yes being tired is hard but you want to know whats really hard? Women waking through the night sobbing because they can't hold their still born babies in their arms or waking up listening out for their ill child to make sure they are still alive - thats hard!
Now don't get me wrong - I know being a Mum is HARD! Its exhausting and emotionally and physically draining and it takes so much of you that sometimes you wonder if there is any of the not-mum you left. But is there anything more rewarding than motherhood? I understand having 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 healthy children is a huge workload - but wanting and not having them is genuinely so much harder. And I'm not feeling sorry for myself here (although I'm sure it probably seems that way). I feel blessed to have my girl and our reproductive challenges have plagued me for only a few months so far. Yes I ache to have the other babies that I've wanted and imagined all my life, to have more than just those little pink 2 lines to remember the baby I lost (and the little phantoms who haunt me as well) but I know women who genuinely have experienced and are experiencing the real hard stuff and it reminds me how lucky I am. One who tried to fall pregnant for years, who endured drugs and hormones and surgeries only to end up having to have a hysterectomy which ended her dream of EVER falling pregnant. Want to tell me your normal pregnancy is hard now? Another who also tried it all and finally after rounds of failed IVFs got her little miracle and now faces the challenge of having to do it all again knowing the prize may never be attained. Want to tell me its hard that you fall pregnant the second you want to and so you have 2 babies now? Another who has 2 beautiful babies but has had more loss than any woman should have to endure and now discovers that that's it - there will be no more babies, her family that she dreamt of will never be complete. Oh its so hard having 4 healthy kids is it? Women who have had healthy babies born, to then have those healthy babies get sick or worse. Want to complain about that extra feed ur baby woke up for last night now? And then there are the women who have fallen pregnant easily, had reasonably smooth sailing through pregnancies that have ended in the births of healthy babies - and perhaps because they haven't had the other hard stuff they tend to get a little too hung up on how everything in motherhood "is just so hard!". And when you've had a little taste of hard and would desperately love to be walking in their shoes its just so hard not to resent them and it hurts that things just aren't very fair in the real world. I'm sure there are plenty of women who think I'm mean writing and thinking this, that I'm a judgemental bitch, that I'm bitter and angry and jealous and don't deserve any happiness because of it and they may very well be right but I used to be on the other side and now I'm not and I wish the worst thing about being pregnant would be my aching back and pelvis - instead I have the aching back and pelvis from the hormones of 3 'pregnancies' in the past 6 months and nothing to make that pain worthwhile.
jodi x
It's just so hard!
Here's a post I started a few month ago when I was right bang in the middle of the anger... Still applies but not quite so hostile anymore so I thought I would continue it - the old stuff is in italic, the new stuff is normal...
I get so sick of hearing and reading this EVERYWHERE!
My new born baby is waking through the night to feed, its just so hard - yes being tired is hard but you want to know whats really hard? Women waking through the night sobbing because they can't hold their still born babies in their arms or waking up listening out for their ill child to make sure they are still alive - thats hard!
Now don't get me wrong - I know being a Mum is HARD! Its exhausting and emotionally and physically draining and it takes so much of you that sometimes you wonder if there is any of the not-mum you left. But is there anything more rewarding than motherhood? I understand having 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 healthy children is a huge workload - but wanting and not having them is genuinely so much harder. And I'm not feeling sorry for myself here (although I'm sure it probably seems that way). I feel blessed to have my girl and our reproductive challenges have plagued me for only a few months so far. Yes I ache to have the other babies that I've wanted and imagined all my life, to have more than just those little pink 2 lines to remember the baby I lost (and the little phantoms who haunt me as well) but I know women who genuinely have experienced and are experiencing the real hard stuff and it reminds me how lucky I am. One who tried to fall pregnant for years, who endured drugs and hormones and surgeries only to end up having to have a hysterectomy which ended her dream of EVER falling pregnant. Want to tell me your normal pregnancy is hard now? Another who also tried it all and finally after rounds of failed IVFs got her little miracle and now faces the challenge of having to do it all again knowing the prize may never be attained. Want to tell me its hard that you fall pregnant the second you want to and so you have 2 babies now? Another who has 2 beautiful babies but has had more loss than any woman should have to endure and now discovers that that's it - there will be no more babies, her family that she dreamt of will never be complete. Oh its so hard having 4 healthy kids is it? Women who have had healthy babies born, to then have those healthy babies get sick or worse. Want to complain about that extra feed ur baby woke up for last night now? And then there are the women who have fallen pregnant easily, had reasonably smooth sailing through pregnancies that have ended in the births of healthy babies - and perhaps because they haven't had the other hard stuff they tend to get a little too hung up on how everything in motherhood "is just so hard!". And when you've had a little taste of hard and would desperately love to be walking in their shoes its just so hard not to resent them and it hurts that things just aren't very fair in the real world. I'm sure there are plenty of women who think I'm mean writing and thinking this, that I'm a judgemental bitch, that I'm bitter and angry and jealous and don't deserve any happiness because of it and they may very well be right but I used to be on the other side and now I'm not and I wish the worst thing about being pregnant would be my aching back and pelvis - instead I have the aching back and pelvis from the hormones of 3 'pregnancies' in the past 6 months and nothing to make that pain worthwhile.
jodi x
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