"Sad"

There is a song I'm loving at the moment and have been loving since the MC happened. It certainly doesn't exactly fit my circumstances but it fits for me all the same. Its below if you want to read it - Maroon 5 - Sad.

I sometimes wish there were a magic erase button in life. I know that everything happens for a reason and that life has a certain way of doing things but sometimes its hard to remember that and some days I'm just sad and life would be so much easier if i could just erase the memory of those 3 positive pregnancy tests. Then my MC would just be a late and heavier than normal period and my 2 "false positives/chemical pregnancies/phantom pregnancies/mind fucks" would be too. I often wonder if I could have done somethings differently to make the outcome of the MC different - if I'd just listened to my body and rested instead of overdoing things in the post move clean up would I still be pregnant now? And yes I know the professionals say there is usually nothing you can do to change these things BUT part of me thinks "Of course they say that, if they didn't there would be a whole heap of women going crazy in their guilt and grief!" Another things is that I blame my body for not doing what it should have, for not nurturing that little egg and of course I play the "What would life have been like if...." .... 'If' is hard... And honestly, some days I feel like I am only holding on by a thin thread, some days I feel like it wouldn't take much to break me. And some days simple things do break me - seeing a new born photo on facebook, hearing another proud mum-to-be announce her pregnancy, someone complaining about having their hands-full with their multiple children or that their baby kept them up all night or wants to be fed or snuggled a lot at the moment, seeing how much Piper would love a baby while she plays with her dolls or clucks over friends babies; some days those kind of things are enough to reduce me to tears. Some days it puts a wedge between Kev and I because it makes me pull away into myself which makes him try and pull me closer which in turn makes me pull away more. I know he doesn't understand how I feel and that's ok, I don't want him to completely understand - he has his own experience of it and I wouldn't want him to feel it from my side because I love him and don't want him to hurt more than he already does/did. Anyway... so this is my song, I listen to it in the car and sing is loud a lot - just to get my sad out there so that it doesn't take control :-)


"Sad"

Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad

Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad