Hello world,
I really must be the world's worst blogger - its once again been such a long time!
Such a long time in fact that the baby I lost 'should' be here in my arms by now. But its not. And we aren't pregnant yet either.
Honestly, I'm in a pretty good place all in all. Don't get me wrong, it really stings when I see pictures of all the March/April babies that seem to be bombarding my Facebook feed. They remind me of what I lost and that reminder makes my heart (and womb) ache. And I definitely feel bitter when I hear anyone complain about their tiny babies, which no doubt makes people think the worst of me. I wish I could make them see that some of us would do anything to be having those bad moments, and that they are outnumbered by all the amazing ones that we are longing for too.
But this week I realised the things I would have lost if we hadn't lost that little baby and I am grateful to have had those things. Enjoying all the things Pie and I get to do together right now, as she moves from baby to little girl, things I wouldn't always have the time for if we had another baby in our home. The clarity that the loss of a pregnancy brings - I count myself so lucky for the blessing of Pie and I won't ever take pregnancy for granted if I am lucky enough to experience it again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy it happened but it did happen and this week I'm realising that sometimes things really do happen for a reason, even if its impossible to see at the time.
I am however sad that along the way I've lost my certainty. I always 'knew' in my heart that I would have a big family, 3 or 4 kids minimum. But lately I find myself thinking "if we have a 2nd baby" not "when we have our 2nd baby". Its not even something I'm conscious of, its just a change of thinking that has occurred in me and so I say if where I used to say when. Of course this is met by "it'll happen!" "don't talk like that - when you have another baby.." etc from well meaning friends and family but in truth, they don't know that, anymore than I do and no one can make promises that it will happen. Logically I know there is a good chance of it - we've been tested and the results are mostly good news - but in my heart I am at "if", its not that I've given up hoping or wanting or planning, just that I've stopped knowing that it will happen.
Our fertility journey continues to be bumpy, I am set to start fertility medications BUT we just have to wait for my body to play the game. I'm certainly being tested in patience but I'm trying to convince myself that this waiting is just so the universe can get the timing just right and that we will have a 2nd baby in our family some day in the not too distant future :-) Maybe once I'm convinced again then it will be!
jodi x
