Well apparently what I had was not a chemical pregnancy but a phantom pregnancy. This is good news (even if it does not necessarily feel like it), I was never pregnant in the first place and therefore didn't have another miscarriage. 1 miscarriages is definitely better than 2 miscarriages - especially 2 miscarriages 2 months apart. Apparently my body decided to store some baby hormones from last time - just enough to give me a false positive home pregnancy test results and false hope and false heartache over losing another baby which it turns out I never even had. Thanks world. Talk about a mind fuck! And yep I'm going to swear, apologies! I had to recheck those tests again just to make sure it hadn't all been in my head but nope, there was a second little pink line - a little pink line that meant absolutely nothing it turns out.
I threw the tests in the bin last night. And the test from the miscarriage pregnancy too. I need to move on and having them there to look at, cruel little pink lines that mean nothing, is not helpful in moving on.
In all honesty I'm mostly fine. I'm sad but I'm thankful too - my situation is easier than many other women's. I had 1 very early miscarriage, I was somewhat prepared for it as the test results were not as strong as they should be. Yes it broke my heart but I imagine my heart break would have only been worse the longer the pregnancy had lasted - so compared to a woman losing her baby at 10 weeks or 15 weeks or 19weeks I feel lucky. I have only had one miscarriage, there are women who go through this over and over again - my story isn't completed yet but as of today I can say I have only lost one baby. And lastly, I have one amazing, healthy baby who I conceived and carried with ease. So many women aren't as blessed as me there either. So the cup isn't half empty, its definately half full BUT it still stings sometimes.
The thing I find hardest to deal with is the envy that I get hit with from time to time. Its not that I'm not happy for ppl announcing they are pregnant or holding their beautiful babies because I am - but its a hard reminder that I'm not there right now and would love to be.Last week a friend was visiting so we had a play date at the park. Her baby is brand new, just 7weeks old. My beautiful Pie just fell in love instantly with this baby, she kept peaking in her pram at her then smiling and giggling and saying 'bubba'. She touched her beautiful little face and tried to give her back her dummy (in the eye - Pie never had a dummy so she isn't an expert on them ;) It was beautiful to watch but made my heart ache with desire to give Pie a little baby sibling of her own. She would be such an amazing big sister. Will, not would, I'm not giving up hope just yet. I dream about what it will be like, it won't be my baby, it will be our baby, mine, Pies and Kev's. It will be so unbelievably loved, an adoring big sister to learn from and a Mummy and Daddy who won't forget how lucky they are to have these beautiful babies. If I was religious this is what I would pray for every night.
I didn't hold the my friends baby, usually I'm first in line but I just couldn't bring myself to do it this time. My best friend is having a baby, I'll hold her when she arrives but I think I'll wait until then to hold a baby. I know my besty will understand if I cry, I won't need to explain or apologise, she will know how happy I am for her and how much I will love that precious little baby of hers and that my hurt will never lesson my happiness for her. That is why she is my best friend. The fine line between happy for you and sad for me isn't an issue with my besties - that might make me a bad person but its true. The happy for them never gets affected by the sad for me, ever.I'm very blessed to have 3 wonderful besties, my a-team. On Monday they all gathered around me with hugs and made me laugh and cry, one of them held my hand at the hospital while a crazy Dr talked to me about the situation like he was talking to me about a trip to the beach, or a car breakdown or a cup of coffee. He didn't upset me, I felt resigned to the situation before I even went there - but he didn't talk like we were talking about a baby being miscarried, yet at that time that is what he thought it was too. My a-team amaze me, without them I might not cope as well as I am right now. They all have had and continue to go through their own fair share of heart ache, they are strong and loving and get me in a way most people don't ever get the chance to. They are awesome :- )
And of course my amazing husband. He doesn't quite understand how I feel but he grieves too, it was his baby and faux baby too, its his dream family that we want to create too. His heart ache hurts so much to see because I never want him to hurt - I love him so much and he loves me. I just keep reminding him that we are lucky and we are good people and all the crappy tests the universe sends our way only make us stronger together anyway. I love you Kev xxx
jodi x
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