The Other Guy

Hello world,
I love a good comic book movie - The Avengers is by far the best I've seen and my personal favourite cos it brings so many other stories (and hotties!) together. I hear wolverine joins the avengers at some point so when they put that in the movie it will be perfection for me :)

Thor and Iron Man - sigh ;)

Unfortunately the hulk has become a perfect example of life lately. The Hulk story goes a little like this; Bruce Banner was just a normal scientist guy (Played by Mark Ruffalo who I've been a big fan of for a long while - good choice casting people) until a crap load of gamma rays (or something like that) unleashed 'the other guy' - AKA the hulk, who is basically a big green rage monster.

Big green rage monster...

Lately it feels like I (and my poor adoring husband) have been living with our own screwed up version of 'the other guy' where nice normal Jodi has been unleashing her own (not-green) rage monster created after a miscarriage (not gamma-rays or something like that) and a 'phantom' pregnancy (Urrrrgggghhhh, just the term phantom pregnancy makes me want to flip the bird and scream 4 letter words at the world! What the eff is that?).

Unfortunately when 'the other guy' appears, she tends to go after Kev. She bites his head off, king hits his feelings and is on a mission to just be angry with him no matter what he does or says. Any number of things have been setting the other guy off and they aren't necessarily even related to what I've actually been upset about. It makes it hard for Kev to know what he is or isn't doing wrong (because he really isn't doing anything wrong). Last weekend he fell asleep in the final 10 minutes of the football (after watching football all day - I had been sewing tho while Pie was asleep so its not like I wanted the TV or anything, his sleeping didn't affect me AT ALL!) and I was AWFUL to him about it - so much so that he went to our bedroom to escape 'the other guy' and when I went in after him he told me off (and that doesn't happen very often; in fact this may have been the first time ever) which flipped 'the other guy' from angry rage monster into sobbing mess (funnily enough, just what I needed). I let myself be sad about the imaginary pregnancy, I explained to him how it made me feel like I was going crazy and imagining things, and I had to check and re-check to make sure those little pink lines really did exist. I told him how I feel like other people will think I made it up and how I needed to grieve because for those days before I was told that my blood test results were negative and there was never a pregnancy, there were real positive test results in my hand telling me there was a baby and that was taken away from me. I told him how much it hurts when he doesn't tell anyone about it and acts as if it didn't happen. I told him how I feel so jealous and angry at people who have what we want and how much I hate myself for that and how I think some people don't deserve the happiness they have been blessed with cos they take it all for granted, and that those feelings make me sick. I explained how I take it all out on him because no one else would ever let me and still love me and how I keep pushing him away because I can't stand to have him close.

To quote Bruce Banner "I don't get a suit of armor. I'm exposed, like a nerve. It's a nightmare." and that is how I feel at the moment - like I've been striped of my suit of armor and right now I'm exposed and vulnerable - it feels like one touch from him could tear me apart and I will becoming a sobbing, broken mess. But the further I pull away from him the more he struggles to pull me close...

Having 'the other guy' around is awful but in the past few days I've been getting 'the other guy' under control - I haven't been really awful to Kev since last Sunday, I've cried more than last week, I've even let him hold me close and kiss me and be near me. I guess my version of the other guy is thankfully more like a baby hulk, most of the time anyway.

jodi x