Hello world,
Feeling a bit sad today, my results were again 'a positive ovulation but not as high as they should to be'. Excuse me, I'm just gonna have a moment;
"WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So what does this mean? I need to up my dosage to 3 pills and fingers crossed we get a level the Dr likes and I'm still married by the end of month 3.
I think the worst thing about chlomid is when the side affects make me a horrible mumma. Just the other night I snapped at Pie in a way that I have snapped before (I didn't touch hurt, just yelled at hr with such anger that I didn't recognise myself!). She burst into tears and started crying for her Daddy. I felt like the worst mumma in the world and joined in with the crying, sobbing how sorry I was and how much I love her BUT sorry doesn't take it back. Sorry doesn't erase it from her little heart and it doesn't make her forget how scared she was of me in that moment. Is this even worth it??? To make matters worse the symptoms haven't even gone away fully this time; my boobs are sooo sore, I'm crazy hormonal, so tired and just feel like absolute crap! I wish I were stronger than the chlomid coaster but right now I feel like its beaten me down.
jodi x
Friday, 11 October 2013
Month 2 - 2 times the trouble!
Hello world,
Good news, my OB checked my results in time to up my dosage, bad news my 5 little white pills went to 10 little white pills. I don't know if the side affects were worse, the headache was perhaps more persistent and the angry/teary balance was like one of those birds dipping its head in the angry cup and coming up for a breath of fresh teary air repeatedly. But at least this time I knew what to expect. I'm scared tho as I've been visiting Dr Google and my day 21 blood results were really low :-( Wonder if we will ever make this baby.
jodi x
Good news, my OB checked my results in time to up my dosage, bad news my 5 little white pills went to 10 little white pills. I don't know if the side affects were worse, the headache was perhaps more persistent and the angry/teary balance was like one of those birds dipping its head in the angry cup and coming up for a breath of fresh teary air repeatedly. But at least this time I knew what to expect. I'm scared tho as I've been visiting Dr Google and my day 21 blood results were really low :-( Wonder if we will ever make this baby.
jodi x
Thursday, 26 September 2013
Dud ovulation results
Hello world,
So the chlomid coaster of month 1 resulted in pretty much SFA. AND my OB is away so if he doesn't check in with the office and decide to increase my dosage in the next 5days, I'll be on cycle 2 with all its shitty side affects that lead to a crappy ovulation that won't make a baby anyway... Sigh...
Jodi x
So the chlomid coaster of month 1 resulted in pretty much SFA. AND my OB is away so if he doesn't check in with the office and decide to increase my dosage in the next 5days, I'll be on cycle 2 with all its shitty side affects that lead to a crappy ovulation that won't make a baby anyway... Sigh...
Jodi x
Why chlomid sucks!
Hello world,
Well my husband has great sperm. Yay! Except that means the problem is me! Woot! And that problem is PCOS. Now, I was told this was my problem way back when I was 16 and I'd been on a special pill for most of my adult life. BUT I got pregnant straight up with Piper and straight up with the miscarriage so although it was a problem, I assumed it wasn't really a problem for me. Sure it makes me pile weight on easily and grow crappy facial hair and get pimpley but it didn't affect my fertility... Until now. And because it does not, its super drug time (Sarcasm on the 'super drug' but if it works I probably won't remember how shitful it is.. probably).
So why does chlomid suck? After all its just 5 little pills, how bad can it be???
Let me outline just a few little things that you won't know about chlomid unless you've taken a ride on the chlomid coaster. My specialist told me "The side affects are minimal, just normal PMS symptoms really." (thank you doctor with penis who has never had PMS or Chlomid, that advice was super helpful!)... Anyway Chlomid sucks because:
jodi x
Well my husband has great sperm. Yay! Except that means the problem is me! Woot! And that problem is PCOS. Now, I was told this was my problem way back when I was 16 and I'd been on a special pill for most of my adult life. BUT I got pregnant straight up with Piper and straight up with the miscarriage so although it was a problem, I assumed it wasn't really a problem for me. Sure it makes me pile weight on easily and grow crappy facial hair and get pimpley but it didn't affect my fertility... Until now. And because it does not, its super drug time (Sarcasm on the 'super drug' but if it works I probably won't remember how shitful it is.. probably).
So why does chlomid suck? After all its just 5 little pills, how bad can it be???
Let me outline just a few little things that you won't know about chlomid unless you've taken a ride on the chlomid coaster. My specialist told me "The side affects are minimal, just normal PMS symptoms really." (thank you doctor with penis who has never had PMS or Chlomid, that advice was super helpful!)... Anyway Chlomid sucks because:
- From 2hrs after I took the first of those little tablets I had a headache, and this headache lasted for WEEKS (and when u have a 4week cycle it doesnt give u much of a break between cycle 1 headache and cycle 2 headache!)! I wake up and before my eyes even opened, I have a headache! A constant, dull, aching headache that panadeine barely takes the edge off. I have never taken so much panadeine in my life and honeslty, I might as well have been taking tic-tacs for all the help it was!).
- Chlomid kills any desire you have for sex (which, after trying for a few months, isn't a whole lot of desire anyway!) which makes baby making a bit more challenging.
- But chlomid does give you a new and massive desire to kill your husband (not helpful when u need his best swimmers to try and catch one of your chemically induced ovulators!).
- Bring on the crying, and lots of it, about anything and everything; 'a drop of rain just landed on my windscreen and now I feel like the whole fucking world is against me!!!!!" cry cry cry etc.
- Also the screaming, ranting and general tantruming; for example my husband just breathed and I heard him so now I'm going to scream at him like I just caught him in bed with another woman while he stares at me like a bewildered bunny rabbit, trapped in the headlights of an oncoming SUV.
- Chlomid taken at night makes sleep almost impossible! But I'm scared to take it in the morning and be hit with the full assault of all the side affects during the day with my beautiful daughter stuck dealing with me!
- Chlomid makes me so horrible that even my poor little girl gets snapped at and then I feel like the worlds worst mother and wonder if I should even be given another child to care for and love!
- Thanks to chlomid, I now have more hot flushes then my poor menopausal Mum and ppl think these are the normal hormonal hot flushes u get from time to time anyway but no - these are like suddenly finding urself in the pits of hells inferno!
jodi x
Saturday, 6 April 2013
So long...
Hello world,
I really must be the world's worst blogger - its once again been such a long time!
Such a long time in fact that the baby I lost 'should' be here in my arms by now. But its not. And we aren't pregnant yet either.
Honestly, I'm in a pretty good place all in all. Don't get me wrong, it really stings when I see pictures of all the March/April babies that seem to be bombarding my Facebook feed. They remind me of what I lost and that reminder makes my heart (and womb) ache. And I definitely feel bitter when I hear anyone complain about their tiny babies, which no doubt makes people think the worst of me. I wish I could make them see that some of us would do anything to be having those bad moments, and that they are outnumbered by all the amazing ones that we are longing for too.
But this week I realised the things I would have lost if we hadn't lost that little baby and I am grateful to have had those things. Enjoying all the things Pie and I get to do together right now, as she moves from baby to little girl, things I wouldn't always have the time for if we had another baby in our home. The clarity that the loss of a pregnancy brings - I count myself so lucky for the blessing of Pie and I won't ever take pregnancy for granted if I am lucky enough to experience it again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy it happened but it did happen and this week I'm realising that sometimes things really do happen for a reason, even if its impossible to see at the time.
I am however sad that along the way I've lost my certainty. I always 'knew' in my heart that I would have a big family, 3 or 4 kids minimum. But lately I find myself thinking "if we have a 2nd baby" not "when we have our 2nd baby". Its not even something I'm conscious of, its just a change of thinking that has occurred in me and so I say if where I used to say when. Of course this is met by "it'll happen!" "don't talk like that - when you have another baby.." etc from well meaning friends and family but in truth, they don't know that, anymore than I do and no one can make promises that it will happen. Logically I know there is a good chance of it - we've been tested and the results are mostly good news - but in my heart I am at "if", its not that I've given up hoping or wanting or planning, just that I've stopped knowing that it will happen.
Our fertility journey continues to be bumpy, I am set to start fertility medications BUT we just have to wait for my body to play the game. I'm certainly being tested in patience but I'm trying to convince myself that this waiting is just so the universe can get the timing just right and that we will have a 2nd baby in our family some day in the not too distant future :-) Maybe once I'm convinced again then it will be!
jodi x
I really must be the world's worst blogger - its once again been such a long time!
Such a long time in fact that the baby I lost 'should' be here in my arms by now. But its not. And we aren't pregnant yet either.
Honestly, I'm in a pretty good place all in all. Don't get me wrong, it really stings when I see pictures of all the March/April babies that seem to be bombarding my Facebook feed. They remind me of what I lost and that reminder makes my heart (and womb) ache. And I definitely feel bitter when I hear anyone complain about their tiny babies, which no doubt makes people think the worst of me. I wish I could make them see that some of us would do anything to be having those bad moments, and that they are outnumbered by all the amazing ones that we are longing for too.
But this week I realised the things I would have lost if we hadn't lost that little baby and I am grateful to have had those things. Enjoying all the things Pie and I get to do together right now, as she moves from baby to little girl, things I wouldn't always have the time for if we had another baby in our home. The clarity that the loss of a pregnancy brings - I count myself so lucky for the blessing of Pie and I won't ever take pregnancy for granted if I am lucky enough to experience it again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy it happened but it did happen and this week I'm realising that sometimes things really do happen for a reason, even if its impossible to see at the time.
I am however sad that along the way I've lost my certainty. I always 'knew' in my heart that I would have a big family, 3 or 4 kids minimum. But lately I find myself thinking "if we have a 2nd baby" not "when we have our 2nd baby". Its not even something I'm conscious of, its just a change of thinking that has occurred in me and so I say if where I used to say when. Of course this is met by "it'll happen!" "don't talk like that - when you have another baby.." etc from well meaning friends and family but in truth, they don't know that, anymore than I do and no one can make promises that it will happen. Logically I know there is a good chance of it - we've been tested and the results are mostly good news - but in my heart I am at "if", its not that I've given up hoping or wanting or planning, just that I've stopped knowing that it will happen.
Our fertility journey continues to be bumpy, I am set to start fertility medications BUT we just have to wait for my body to play the game. I'm certainly being tested in patience but I'm trying to convince myself that this waiting is just so the universe can get the timing just right and that we will have a 2nd baby in our family some day in the not too distant future :-) Maybe once I'm convinced again then it will be!
jodi x
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