Why chlomid sucks!

Hello world,

Well my husband has great sperm. Yay! Except that means the problem is me! Woot! And that problem is PCOS. Now, I was told this was my problem way back when I was 16 and I'd been on a special pill for most of my adult life. BUT I got pregnant straight up with Piper and straight up with the miscarriage so although it was a problem, I assumed it wasn't really a problem for me. Sure it makes me pile weight on easily and grow crappy facial hair and get pimpley but it didn't affect my fertility... Until now. And because it does not, its super drug time (Sarcasm on the 'super drug' but if it works I probably won't remember how shitful it is.. probably).

So why does chlomid suck? After all its just 5 little pills, how bad can it be???

Let me outline just a few little things that you won't know about chlomid unless you've taken a ride on the chlomid coaster. My specialist told me "The side affects are minimal, just normal PMS symptoms really." (thank you doctor with penis who has never had PMS or Chlomid, that advice was super helpful!)... Anyway Chlomid sucks because:

• From 2hrs after I took the first of those little tablets I had a headache, and this headache lasted for WEEKS (and when u have a 4week cycle it doesnt give u much of a break between cycle 1 headache and cycle 2 headache!)! I wake up and before my eyes even opened, I have a headache! A constant, dull, aching headache that panadeine barely takes the edge off. I have never taken so much panadeine in my life and honeslty, I might as well have been taking tic-tacs for all the help it was!).
  
• Chlomid kills any desire you have for sex (which, after trying for a few months, isn't a whole lot of desire anyway!) which makes baby making a bit more challenging.
  
• But chlomid does give you a new and massive desire to kill your husband (not helpful when u need his best swimmers to try and catch one of your chemically induced ovulators!).
  
• Bring on the crying, and lots of it, about anything and everything; 'a drop of rain just landed on my windscreen and now I feel like the whole fucking world is against me!!!!!" cry cry cry etc.
  
• Also the screaming, ranting and general tantruming; for example my husband just breathed and I heard him so now I'm going to scream at him like I just caught him in bed with another woman while he stares at me like a bewildered bunny rabbit, trapped in the headlights of an oncoming SUV.
  
• Chlomid taken at night makes sleep almost impossible! But I'm scared to take it in the morning and be hit with the full assault of all the side affects during the day with my beautiful daughter stuck dealing with me!
  
• Chlomid makes me so horrible that even my poor little girl gets snapped at and then I feel like the worlds worst mother and wonder if I should even be given another child to care for and love!
  
• Thanks to chlomid, I now have more hot flushes then my poor menopausal Mum and ppl think these are the normal hormonal hot flushes u get from time to time anyway but no - these are like suddenly finding urself in the pits of hells inferno!

 Honestly the list is massive, I might add to it as I go!

jodi x

The Other Guy

Hello world,
I love a good comic book movie - The Avengers is by far the best I've seen and my personal favourite cos it brings so many other stories (and hotties!) together. I hear wolverine joins the avengers at some point so when they put that in the movie it will be perfection for me :)

Thor and Iron Man - sigh ;)

Unfortunately the hulk has become a perfect example of life lately. The Hulk story goes a little like this; Bruce Banner was just a normal scientist guy (Played by Mark Ruffalo who I've been a big fan of for a long while - good choice casting people) until a crap load of gamma rays (or something like that) unleashed 'the other guy' - AKA the hulk, who is basically a big green rage monster.

Big green rage monster...

Lately it feels like I (and my poor adoring husband) have been living with our own screwed up version of 'the other guy' where nice normal Jodi has been unleashing her own (not-green) rage monster created after a miscarriage (not gamma-rays or something like that) and a 'phantom' pregnancy (Urrrrgggghhhh, just the term phantom pregnancy makes me want to flip the bird and scream 4 letter words at the world! What the eff is that?).

Unfortunately when 'the other guy' appears, she tends to go after Kev. She bites his head off, king hits his feelings and is on a mission to just be angry with him no matter what he does or says. Any number of things have been setting the other guy off and they aren't necessarily even related to what I've actually been upset about. It makes it hard for Kev to know what he is or isn't doing wrong (because he really isn't doing anything wrong). Last weekend he fell asleep in the final 10 minutes of the football (after watching football all day - I had been sewing tho while Pie was asleep so its not like I wanted the TV or anything, his sleeping didn't affect me AT ALL!) and I was AWFUL to him about it - so much so that he went to our bedroom to escape 'the other guy' and when I went in after him he told me off (and that doesn't happen very often; in fact this may have been the first time ever) which flipped 'the other guy' from angry rage monster into sobbing mess (funnily enough, just what I needed). I let myself be sad about the imaginary pregnancy, I explained to him how it made me feel like I was going crazy and imagining things, and I had to check and re-check to make sure those little pink lines really did exist. I told him how I feel like other people will think I made it up and how I needed to grieve because for those days before I was told that my blood test results were negative and there was never a pregnancy, there were real positive test results in my hand telling me there was a baby and that was taken away from me. I told him how much it hurts when he doesn't tell anyone about it and acts as if it didn't happen. I told him how I feel so jealous and angry at people who have what we want and how much I hate myself for that and how I think some people don't deserve the happiness they have been blessed with cos they take it all for granted, and that those feelings make me sick. I explained how I take it all out on him because no one else would ever let me and still love me and how I keep pushing him away because I can't stand to have him close.

To quote Bruce Banner "I don't get a suit of armor. I'm exposed, like a nerve. It's a nightmare." and that is how I feel at the moment - like I've been striped of my suit of armor and right now I'm exposed and vulnerable - it feels like one touch from him could tear me apart and I will becoming a sobbing, broken mess. But the further I pull away from him the more he struggles to pull me close...

Having 'the other guy' around is awful but in the past few days I've been getting 'the other guy' under control - I haven't been really awful to Kev since last Sunday, I've cried more than last week, I've even let him hold me close and kiss me and be near me. I guess my version of the other guy is thankfully more like a baby hulk, most of the time anyway.

jodi x

The Phantom

Hello world,

Well apparently what I had was not a chemical pregnancy but a phantom pregnancy. This is good news (even if it does not necessarily feel like it), I was never pregnant in the first place and therefore didn't have another miscarriage. 1 miscarriages is definitely better than 2 miscarriages - especially 2 miscarriages 2 months apart. Apparently my body decided to store some baby hormones from last time - just enough to give me a false positive home pregnancy test results and false hope and false heartache over losing another baby which it turns out I never even had. Thanks world. Talk about a mind fuck! And yep I'm going to swear, apologies! I had to recheck those tests again just to make sure it hadn't all been in my head but nope, there was a second little pink line - a little pink line that meant absolutely nothing it turns out.

I threw the tests in the bin last night. And the test from the miscarriage pregnancy too. I need to move on and having them there to look at, cruel little pink lines that mean nothing, is not helpful in moving on.

In all honesty I'm mostly fine. I'm sad but I'm thankful too - my situation is easier than many other women's. I had 1 very early miscarriage, I was somewhat prepared for it as the test results were not as strong as they should be. Yes it broke my heart but I imagine my heart break would have only been worse the longer the pregnancy had lasted - so compared to a woman losing her baby at 10 weeks or 15 weeks or 19weeks I feel lucky. I have only had one miscarriage, there are women who go through this over and over again - my story isn't completed yet but as of today I can say I have only lost one baby. And lastly, I have one amazing, healthy baby who I conceived and carried with ease. So many women aren't as blessed as me there either. So the cup isn't half empty, its definately half full BUT it still stings sometimes.

The thing I find hardest to deal with is the envy that I get hit with from time to time. Its not that I'm not happy for ppl announcing they are pregnant or holding their beautiful babies because I am - but its a hard reminder that I'm not there right now and would love to be.

Last week a friend was visiting so we had a play date at the park. Her baby is brand new, just 7weeks old. My beautiful Pie just fell in love instantly with this baby, she kept peaking in her pram at her then smiling and giggling and saying 'bubba'. She touched her beautiful little face and tried to give her back her dummy (in the eye - Pie never had a dummy so she isn't an expert on them ;) It was beautiful to watch but made my heart ache with desire to give Pie a little baby sibling of her own. She would be such an amazing big sister. Will, not would, I'm not giving up hope just yet. I dream about what it will be like,  it won't be my baby, it will be our baby, mine, Pies and Kev's. It will be so unbelievably loved, an adoring big sister to learn from and a Mummy and Daddy who won't forget how lucky they are to have these beautiful babies. If I was religious this is what I would pray for every night.

 I didn't hold the my friends baby, usually I'm first in line but I just couldn't bring myself to do it this time. My best friend is having a baby, I'll hold her when she arrives but I think I'll wait until then to hold a baby. I know my besty will understand if I cry, I won't need to explain or apologise, she will know how happy I am for her and how much I will love that precious little baby of hers and that my hurt will never lesson my happiness for her. That is why she is my best friend. The fine line between happy for you and sad for me isn't an issue with my besties - that might make me a bad person but its true. The happy for them never gets affected by the sad for me, ever.

 I'm very blessed to have 3 wonderful besties, my a-team. On Monday they all gathered around me with hugs and made me laugh and cry, one of them held my hand at the hospital while a crazy Dr talked to me about the situation like he was talking to me about a trip to the beach, or a car breakdown or a cup of coffee. He didn't upset me, I felt resigned to the situation before I even went there - but he didn't talk like we were talking about a baby being miscarried, yet at that time that is what he thought it was too. My a-team amaze me, without them I might not cope as well as I am right now. They all have had and continue to go through their own fair share of heart ache, they are strong and loving and get me in a way most people don't ever get the chance to. They are awesome :- )

 

And of course my amazing husband. He doesn't quite understand how I feel but he grieves too, it was his baby and faux baby too, its his dream family that we want to create too. His heart ache hurts so much to see because I never want him to hurt - I love him so much and he loves me. I just keep reminding him that we are lucky and we are good people and all the crappy tests the universe sends our way only make us stronger together anyway. I love you Kev xxx

jodi x