Why chlomid sucks!

Hello world,

Well my husband has great sperm. Yay! Except that means the problem is me! Woot! And that problem is PCOS. Now, I was told this was my problem way back when I was 16 and I'd been on a special pill for most of my adult life. BUT I got pregnant straight up with Piper and straight up with the miscarriage so although it was a problem, I assumed it wasn't really a problem for me. Sure it makes me pile weight on easily and grow crappy facial hair and get pimpley but it didn't affect my fertility... Until now. And because it does not, its super drug time (Sarcasm on the 'super drug' but if it works I probably won't remember how shitful it is.. probably).

So why does chlomid suck? After all its just 5 little pills, how bad can it be???

Let me outline just a few little things that you won't know about chlomid unless you've taken a ride on the chlomid coaster. My specialist told me "The side affects are minimal, just normal PMS symptoms really." (thank you doctor with penis who has never had PMS or Chlomid, that advice was super helpful!)... Anyway Chlomid sucks because:

• From 2hrs after I took the first of those little tablets I had a headache, and this headache lasted for WEEKS (and when u have a 4week cycle it doesnt give u much of a break between cycle 1 headache and cycle 2 headache!)! I wake up and before my eyes even opened, I have a headache! A constant, dull, aching headache that panadeine barely takes the edge off. I have never taken so much panadeine in my life and honeslty, I might as well have been taking tic-tacs for all the help it was!).
  
• Chlomid kills any desire you have for sex (which, after trying for a few months, isn't a whole lot of desire anyway!) which makes baby making a bit more challenging.
  
• But chlomid does give you a new and massive desire to kill your husband (not helpful when u need his best swimmers to try and catch one of your chemically induced ovulators!).
  
• Bring on the crying, and lots of it, about anything and everything; 'a drop of rain just landed on my windscreen and now I feel like the whole fucking world is against me!!!!!" cry cry cry etc.
  
• Also the screaming, ranting and general tantruming; for example my husband just breathed and I heard him so now I'm going to scream at him like I just caught him in bed with another woman while he stares at me like a bewildered bunny rabbit, trapped in the headlights of an oncoming SUV.
  
• Chlomid taken at night makes sleep almost impossible! But I'm scared to take it in the morning and be hit with the full assault of all the side affects during the day with my beautiful daughter stuck dealing with me!
  
• Chlomid makes me so horrible that even my poor little girl gets snapped at and then I feel like the worlds worst mother and wonder if I should even be given another child to care for and love!
  
• Thanks to chlomid, I now have more hot flushes then my poor menopausal Mum and ppl think these are the normal hormonal hot flushes u get from time to time anyway but no - these are like suddenly finding urself in the pits of hells inferno!

 Honestly the list is massive, I might add to it as I go!

jodi x

Wishing for the Spring!!!!

Hello world,

I wish winter would end today. I feel like the grey sky and the icy winds are making me curl up in a cloud of my own depression. I don't think I'm clinically depressed, I don't think I need medicating but I feel depressed and the awful winter sky isn't making it easy to shake. Maybe the weather is coincidental, maybe I would feel like this today even if the sun were shining brightly, warming my skin and taking the grey twinge from the world. But I feel like I've spent the past few weeks curled up in my bed or curled up on the couch, cold and blue, just waiting for it to change.

I feel like the miscarriage is a wall between Kev and I right now. I feel so angry yet sad and just want to hide deep within myself so I pull away from him. I always pull away when I am hurt or scared to be hurt. But I don't want to pull away from Kev, with him it should be different. I also feel like he is angry with me even though he probably is not. The awful voice inside my  head tells me he should be mad at me, my body didn't do its job and because of that our baby went away.

I feel like we are snapping at each other continually, I know I am short with him but I don't think its all just from me, I think Kev is doing his fair share of snapping too. A friend pointed out that its because I know he loves me and he won't stop loving me that it feels ok to take it out on him. Kev is stuck with me when I am at my best but also when I am at my worst.

The worst part is that I know Kev's hurting too, he blames himself sometimes, he feels hopeless that he can't 'fix' me or the situation and he feels rejected that I keep holding him at arms length. I feel like a bad partner that I'm not helping him more to deal with it too but I'm scared of facing his sadness and falling apart again. I don't know if that even makes sense but seeing his sadness hurts and I feel like I can't handle more hurt at the moment.

I wish I knew how to grieve faster.

Jodi x