Wishing for the Spring!!!!

Hello world,

I wish winter would end today. I feel like the grey sky and the icy winds are making me curl up in a cloud of my own depression. I don't think I'm clinically depressed, I don't think I need medicating but I feel depressed and the awful winter sky isn't making it easy to shake. Maybe the weather is coincidental, maybe I would feel like this today even if the sun were shining brightly, warming my skin and taking the grey twinge from the world. But I feel like I've spent the past few weeks curled up in my bed or curled up on the couch, cold and blue, just waiting for it to change.

I feel like the miscarriage is a wall between Kev and I right now. I feel so angry yet sad and just want to hide deep within myself so I pull away from him. I always pull away when I am hurt or scared to be hurt. But I don't want to pull away from Kev, with him it should be different. I also feel like he is angry with me even though he probably is not. The awful voice inside my  head tells me he should be mad at me, my body didn't do its job and because of that our baby went away.

I feel like we are snapping at each other continually, I know I am short with him but I don't think its all just from me, I think Kev is doing his fair share of snapping too. A friend pointed out that its because I know he loves me and he won't stop loving me that it feels ok to take it out on him. Kev is stuck with me when I am at my best but also when I am at my worst.

The worst part is that I know Kev's hurting too, he blames himself sometimes, he feels hopeless that he can't 'fix' me or the situation and he feels rejected that I keep holding him at arms length. I feel like a bad partner that I'm not helping him more to deal with it too but I'm scared of facing his sadness and falling apart again. I don't know if that even makes sense but seeing his sadness hurts and I feel like I can't handle more hurt at the moment.

I wish I knew how to grieve faster.

Jodi x

Facebook assault

Hello world,

If I don't blog I may scream (or end up sobbing for hours in my bed again tonight - either or!) I feel like Facebook is rubbing shit in my face! I log on last night and top of my news feed is this:

Don't get me wrong, its beautiful and there should be more things like it but I came to Facebook for a distraction, instead there are tears running down my face as I see my own situation in statue form. I scroll down and there are little newborn feet with a quote about the joys of new babies, then beautiful maternity clothes on gorgeous glowing pregnant women. Its a bit much really. So I click on my Facebook mothers group instead and photos of gorgeous pregnant bellies, newborn bundles of joy and beautiful 3D ultrasounds hit me - pow, pow, pow! The ache of jealousy I feel really surprises me. Its not that I'm not happy that they are happy, its that I'm devastated that I am not happy like that too. But I am happy, I love my beautiful daughter and husband and if Pie is the only baby I ever get I will still count myself as very blessed BUT I'd be so much happier if I wasn't so sad wishing our little baby had stayed stuck and was growing deep within me right now. And its that happiness that I'm jealous of. I'd even take a big dose of morning sickness with a smile on my face (well a smile in my heart maybe - its hard to smile while vomiting!) right now. I hope the sadness and jealousy doesn't change me for the worse, make me bitter. I just have to remember how blessed I am and take the hurt as a constant reminder of how wonderful every moment as a mummy is. So before I lose my shit and let my miscarriage hulk loose on the world I'm logging off for the night and putting a DVD on - fingers crossed it isn't filled with all the stuff that Facebook is hurling at me!

jodi x