Hello world,
I really must be the world's worst blogger - its once again been such a long time!
Such a long time in fact that the baby I lost 'should' be here in my arms by now. But its not. And we aren't pregnant yet either.
Honestly, I'm in a pretty good place all in all. Don't get me wrong, it really stings when I see pictures of all the March/April babies that seem to be bombarding my Facebook feed. They remind me of what I lost and that reminder makes my heart (and womb) ache. And I definitely feel bitter when I hear anyone complain about their tiny babies, which no doubt makes people think the worst of me. I wish I could make them see that some of us would do anything to be having those bad moments, and that they are outnumbered by all the amazing ones that we are longing for too.
But this week I realised the things I would have lost if we hadn't lost that little baby and I am grateful to have had those things. Enjoying all the things Pie and I get to do together right now, as she moves from baby to little girl, things I wouldn't always have the time for if we had another baby in our home. The clarity that the loss of a pregnancy brings - I count myself so lucky for the blessing of Pie and I won't ever take pregnancy for granted if I am lucky enough to experience it again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy it happened but it did happen and this week I'm realising that sometimes things really do happen for a reason, even if its impossible to see at the time.
I am however sad that along the way I've lost my certainty. I always 'knew' in my heart that I would have a big family, 3 or 4 kids minimum. But lately I find myself thinking "if we have a 2nd baby" not "when we have our 2nd baby". Its not even something I'm conscious of, its just a change of thinking that has occurred in me and so I say if where I used to say when. Of course this is met by "it'll happen!" "don't talk like that - when you have another baby.." etc from well meaning friends and family but in truth, they don't know that, anymore than I do and no one can make promises that it will happen. Logically I know there is a good chance of it - we've been tested and the results are mostly good news - but in my heart I am at "if", its not that I've given up hoping or wanting or planning, just that I've stopped knowing that it will happen.
Our fertility journey continues to be bumpy, I am set to start fertility medications BUT we just have to wait for my body to play the game. I'm certainly being tested in patience but I'm trying to convince myself that this waiting is just so the universe can get the timing just right and that we will have a 2nd baby in our family some day in the not too distant future :-) Maybe once I'm convinced again then it will be!
jodi x
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Saturday, 6 April 2013
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Friday, 25 January 2013
"Sad"
There is a song I'm loving at the moment and have been loving since the MC happened. It certainly doesn't exactly fit my circumstances but it fits for me all the same. Its below if you want to read it - Maroon 5 - Sad.
I sometimes wish there were a magic erase button in life. I know that everything happens for a reason and that life has a certain way of doing things but sometimes its hard to remember that and some days I'm just sad and life would be so much easier if i could just erase the memory of those 3 positive pregnancy tests. Then my MC would just be a late and heavier than normal period and my 2 "false positives/chemical pregnancies/phantom pregnancies/mind fucks" would be too. I often wonder if I could have done somethings differently to make the outcome of the MC different - if I'd just listened to my body and rested instead of overdoing things in the post move clean up would I still be pregnant now? And yes I know the professionals say there is usually nothing you can do to change these things BUT part of me thinks "Of course they say that, if they didn't there would be a whole heap of women going crazy in their guilt and grief!" Another things is that I blame my body for not doing what it should have, for not nurturing that little egg and of course I play the "What would life have been like if...." .... 'If' is hard... And honestly, some days I feel like I am only holding on by a thin thread, some days I feel like it wouldn't take much to break me. And some days simple things do break me - seeing a new born photo on facebook, hearing another proud mum-to-be announce her pregnancy, someone complaining about having their hands-full with their multiple children or that their baby kept them up all night or wants to be fed or snuggled a lot at the moment, seeing how much Piper would love a baby while she plays with her dolls or clucks over friends babies; some days those kind of things are enough to reduce me to tears. Some days it puts a wedge between Kev and I because it makes me pull away into myself which makes him try and pull me closer which in turn makes me pull away more. I know he doesn't understand how I feel and that's ok, I don't want him to completely understand - he has his own experience of it and I wouldn't want him to feel it from my side because I love him and don't want him to hurt more than he already does/did. Anyway... so this is my song, I listen to it in the car and sing is loud a lot - just to get my sad out there so that it doesn't take control :-)
"Sad"
I sometimes wish there were a magic erase button in life. I know that everything happens for a reason and that life has a certain way of doing things but sometimes its hard to remember that and some days I'm just sad and life would be so much easier if i could just erase the memory of those 3 positive pregnancy tests. Then my MC would just be a late and heavier than normal period and my 2 "false positives/chemical pregnancies/phantom pregnancies/mind fucks" would be too. I often wonder if I could have done somethings differently to make the outcome of the MC different - if I'd just listened to my body and rested instead of overdoing things in the post move clean up would I still be pregnant now? And yes I know the professionals say there is usually nothing you can do to change these things BUT part of me thinks "Of course they say that, if they didn't there would be a whole heap of women going crazy in their guilt and grief!" Another things is that I blame my body for not doing what it should have, for not nurturing that little egg and of course I play the "What would life have been like if...." .... 'If' is hard... And honestly, some days I feel like I am only holding on by a thin thread, some days I feel like it wouldn't take much to break me. And some days simple things do break me - seeing a new born photo on facebook, hearing another proud mum-to-be announce her pregnancy, someone complaining about having their hands-full with their multiple children or that their baby kept them up all night or wants to be fed or snuggled a lot at the moment, seeing how much Piper would love a baby while she plays with her dolls or clucks over friends babies; some days those kind of things are enough to reduce me to tears. Some days it puts a wedge between Kev and I because it makes me pull away into myself which makes him try and pull me closer which in turn makes me pull away more. I know he doesn't understand how I feel and that's ok, I don't want him to completely understand - he has his own experience of it and I wouldn't want him to feel it from my side because I love him and don't want him to hurt more than he already does/did. Anyway... so this is my song, I listen to it in the car and sing is loud a lot - just to get my sad out there so that it doesn't take control :-)
"Sad"
Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad
Monday, 21 January 2013
It's just so hard!
Hello world,
It's just so hard!
Here's a post I started a few month ago when I was right bang in the middle of the anger... Still applies but not quite so hostile anymore so I thought I would continue it - the old stuff is in italic, the new stuff is normal...
I get so sick of hearing and reading this EVERYWHERE!
My new born baby is waking through the night to feed, its just so hard - yes being tired is hard but you want to know whats really hard? Women waking through the night sobbing because they can't hold their still born babies in their arms or waking up listening out for their ill child to make sure they are still alive - thats hard!
Now don't get me wrong - I know being a Mum is HARD! Its exhausting and emotionally and physically draining and it takes so much of you that sometimes you wonder if there is any of the not-mum you left. But is there anything more rewarding than motherhood? I understand having 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 healthy children is a huge workload - but wanting and not having them is genuinely so much harder. And I'm not feeling sorry for myself here (although I'm sure it probably seems that way). I feel blessed to have my girl and our reproductive challenges have plagued me for only a few months so far. Yes I ache to have the other babies that I've wanted and imagined all my life, to have more than just those little pink 2 lines to remember the baby I lost (and the little phantoms who haunt me as well) but I know women who genuinely have experienced and are experiencing the real hard stuff and it reminds me how lucky I am. One who tried to fall pregnant for years, who endured drugs and hormones and surgeries only to end up having to have a hysterectomy which ended her dream of EVER falling pregnant. Want to tell me your normal pregnancy is hard now? Another who also tried it all and finally after rounds of failed IVFs got her little miracle and now faces the challenge of having to do it all again knowing the prize may never be attained. Want to tell me its hard that you fall pregnant the second you want to and so you have 2 babies now? Another who has 2 beautiful babies but has had more loss than any woman should have to endure and now discovers that that's it - there will be no more babies, her family that she dreamt of will never be complete. Oh its so hard having 4 healthy kids is it? Women who have had healthy babies born, to then have those healthy babies get sick or worse. Want to complain about that extra feed ur baby woke up for last night now? And then there are the women who have fallen pregnant easily, had reasonably smooth sailing through pregnancies that have ended in the births of healthy babies - and perhaps because they haven't had the other hard stuff they tend to get a little too hung up on how everything in motherhood "is just so hard!". And when you've had a little taste of hard and would desperately love to be walking in their shoes its just so hard not to resent them and it hurts that things just aren't very fair in the real world. I'm sure there are plenty of women who think I'm mean writing and thinking this, that I'm a judgemental bitch, that I'm bitter and angry and jealous and don't deserve any happiness because of it and they may very well be right but I used to be on the other side and now I'm not and I wish the worst thing about being pregnant would be my aching back and pelvis - instead I have the aching back and pelvis from the hormones of 3 'pregnancies' in the past 6 months and nothing to make that pain worthwhile.
jodi x
It's just so hard!
Here's a post I started a few month ago when I was right bang in the middle of the anger... Still applies but not quite so hostile anymore so I thought I would continue it - the old stuff is in italic, the new stuff is normal...
I get so sick of hearing and reading this EVERYWHERE!
My new born baby is waking through the night to feed, its just so hard - yes being tired is hard but you want to know whats really hard? Women waking through the night sobbing because they can't hold their still born babies in their arms or waking up listening out for their ill child to make sure they are still alive - thats hard!
Now don't get me wrong - I know being a Mum is HARD! Its exhausting and emotionally and physically draining and it takes so much of you that sometimes you wonder if there is any of the not-mum you left. But is there anything more rewarding than motherhood? I understand having 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 healthy children is a huge workload - but wanting and not having them is genuinely so much harder. And I'm not feeling sorry for myself here (although I'm sure it probably seems that way). I feel blessed to have my girl and our reproductive challenges have plagued me for only a few months so far. Yes I ache to have the other babies that I've wanted and imagined all my life, to have more than just those little pink 2 lines to remember the baby I lost (and the little phantoms who haunt me as well) but I know women who genuinely have experienced and are experiencing the real hard stuff and it reminds me how lucky I am. One who tried to fall pregnant for years, who endured drugs and hormones and surgeries only to end up having to have a hysterectomy which ended her dream of EVER falling pregnant. Want to tell me your normal pregnancy is hard now? Another who also tried it all and finally after rounds of failed IVFs got her little miracle and now faces the challenge of having to do it all again knowing the prize may never be attained. Want to tell me its hard that you fall pregnant the second you want to and so you have 2 babies now? Another who has 2 beautiful babies but has had more loss than any woman should have to endure and now discovers that that's it - there will be no more babies, her family that she dreamt of will never be complete. Oh its so hard having 4 healthy kids is it? Women who have had healthy babies born, to then have those healthy babies get sick or worse. Want to complain about that extra feed ur baby woke up for last night now? And then there are the women who have fallen pregnant easily, had reasonably smooth sailing through pregnancies that have ended in the births of healthy babies - and perhaps because they haven't had the other hard stuff they tend to get a little too hung up on how everything in motherhood "is just so hard!". And when you've had a little taste of hard and would desperately love to be walking in their shoes its just so hard not to resent them and it hurts that things just aren't very fair in the real world. I'm sure there are plenty of women who think I'm mean writing and thinking this, that I'm a judgemental bitch, that I'm bitter and angry and jealous and don't deserve any happiness because of it and they may very well be right but I used to be on the other side and now I'm not and I wish the worst thing about being pregnant would be my aching back and pelvis - instead I have the aching back and pelvis from the hormones of 3 'pregnancies' in the past 6 months and nothing to make that pain worthwhile.
jodi x
Friday, 5 October 2012
The Other Guy
Hello world,
I love a good comic book movie - The Avengers is by far the best I've seen and my personal favourite cos it brings so many other stories (and hotties!) together. I hear wolverine joins the avengers at some point so when they put that in the movie it will be perfection for me :)
Unfortunately the hulk has become a perfect example of life lately. The Hulk story goes a little like this; Bruce Banner was just a normal scientist guy (Played by Mark Ruffalo who I've been a big fan of for a long while - good choice casting people) until a crap load of gamma rays (or something like that) unleashed 'the other guy' - AKA the hulk, who is basically a big green rage monster.
Lately it feels like I (and my poor adoring husband) have been living with our own screwed up version of 'the other guy' where nice normal Jodi has been unleashing her own (not-green) rage monster created after a miscarriage (not gamma-rays or something like that) and a 'phantom' pregnancy (Urrrrgggghhhh, just the term phantom pregnancy makes me want to flip the bird and scream 4 letter words at the world! What the eff is that?).
Unfortunately when 'the other guy' appears, she tends to go after Kev. She bites his head off, king hits his feelings and is on a mission to just be angry with him no matter what he does or says. Any number of things have been setting the other guy off and they aren't necessarily even related to what I've actually been upset about. It makes it hard for Kev to know what he is or isn't doing wrong (because he really isn't doing anything wrong). Last weekend he fell asleep in the final 10 minutes of the football (after watching football all day - I had been sewing tho while Pie was asleep so its not like I wanted the TV or anything, his sleeping didn't affect me AT ALL!) and I was AWFUL to him about it - so much so that he went to our bedroom to escape 'the other guy' and when I went in after him he told me off (and that doesn't happen very often; in fact this may have been the first time ever) which flipped 'the other guy' from angry rage monster into sobbing mess (funnily enough, just what I needed). I let myself be sad about the imaginary pregnancy, I explained to him how it made me feel like I was going crazy and imagining things, and I had to check and re-check to make sure those little pink lines really did exist. I told him how I feel like other people will think I made it up and how I needed to grieve because for those days before I was told that my blood test results were negative and there was never a pregnancy, there were real positive test results in my hand telling me there was a baby and that was taken away from me. I told him how much it hurts when he doesn't tell anyone about it and acts as if it didn't happen. I told him how I feel so jealous and angry at people who have what we want and how much I hate myself for that and how I think some people don't deserve the happiness they have been blessed with cos they take it all for granted, and that those feelings make me sick. I explained how I take it all out on him because no one else would ever let me and still love me and how I keep pushing him away because I can't stand to have him close.
To quote Bruce Banner "I don't get a suit of armor. I'm exposed, like a nerve. It's a nightmare." and that is how I feel at the moment - like I've been striped of my suit of armor and right now I'm exposed and vulnerable - it feels like one touch from him could tear me apart and I will becoming a sobbing, broken mess. But the further I pull away from him the more he struggles to pull me close...
Having 'the other guy' around is awful but in the past few days I've been getting 'the other guy' under control - I haven't been really awful to Kev since last Sunday, I've cried more than last week, I've even let him hold me close and kiss me and be near me. I guess my version of the other guy is thankfully more like a baby hulk, most of the time anyway.
jodi x
I love a good comic book movie - The Avengers is by far the best I've seen and my personal favourite cos it brings so many other stories (and hotties!) together. I hear wolverine joins the avengers at some point so when they put that in the movie it will be perfection for me :)
 |
| Thor and Iron Man - sigh ;) |
 | |||||||
| Big green rage monster... |
Unfortunately when 'the other guy' appears, she tends to go after Kev. She bites his head off, king hits his feelings and is on a mission to just be angry with him no matter what he does or says. Any number of things have been setting the other guy off and they aren't necessarily even related to what I've actually been upset about. It makes it hard for Kev to know what he is or isn't doing wrong (because he really isn't doing anything wrong). Last weekend he fell asleep in the final 10 minutes of the football (after watching football all day - I had been sewing tho while Pie was asleep so its not like I wanted the TV or anything, his sleeping didn't affect me AT ALL!) and I was AWFUL to him about it - so much so that he went to our bedroom to escape 'the other guy' and when I went in after him he told me off (and that doesn't happen very often; in fact this may have been the first time ever) which flipped 'the other guy' from angry rage monster into sobbing mess (funnily enough, just what I needed). I let myself be sad about the imaginary pregnancy, I explained to him how it made me feel like I was going crazy and imagining things, and I had to check and re-check to make sure those little pink lines really did exist. I told him how I feel like other people will think I made it up and how I needed to grieve because for those days before I was told that my blood test results were negative and there was never a pregnancy, there were real positive test results in my hand telling me there was a baby and that was taken away from me. I told him how much it hurts when he doesn't tell anyone about it and acts as if it didn't happen. I told him how I feel so jealous and angry at people who have what we want and how much I hate myself for that and how I think some people don't deserve the happiness they have been blessed with cos they take it all for granted, and that those feelings make me sick. I explained how I take it all out on him because no one else would ever let me and still love me and how I keep pushing him away because I can't stand to have him close.
To quote Bruce Banner "I don't get a suit of armor. I'm exposed, like a nerve. It's a nightmare." and that is how I feel at the moment - like I've been striped of my suit of armor and right now I'm exposed and vulnerable - it feels like one touch from him could tear me apart and I will becoming a sobbing, broken mess. But the further I pull away from him the more he struggles to pull me close...
Having 'the other guy' around is awful but in the past few days I've been getting 'the other guy' under control - I haven't been really awful to Kev since last Sunday, I've cried more than last week, I've even let him hold me close and kiss me and be near me. I guess my version of the other guy is thankfully more like a baby hulk, most of the time anyway.
Friday, 28 September 2012
The Phantom
Hello world,
Well apparently what I had was not a chemical pregnancy but a phantom pregnancy. This is good news (even if it does not necessarily feel like it), I was never pregnant in the first place and therefore didn't have another miscarriage. 1 miscarriages is definitely better than 2 miscarriages - especially 2 miscarriages 2 months apart. Apparently my body decided to store some baby hormones from last time - just enough to give me a false positive home pregnancy test results and false hope and false heartache over losing another baby which it turns out I never even had. Thanks world. Talk about a mind fuck! And yep I'm going to swear, apologies! I had to recheck those tests again just to make sure it hadn't all been in my head but nope, there was a second little pink line - a little pink line that meant absolutely nothing it turns out.
I threw the tests in the bin last night. And the test from the miscarriage pregnancy too. I need to move on and having them there to look at, cruel little pink lines that mean nothing, is not helpful in moving on.
In all honesty I'm mostly fine. I'm sad but I'm thankful too - my situation is easier than many other women's. I had 1 very early miscarriage, I was somewhat prepared for it as the test results were not as strong as they should be. Yes it broke my heart but I imagine my heart break would have only been worse the longer the pregnancy had lasted - so compared to a woman losing her baby at 10 weeks or 15 weeks or 19weeks I feel lucky. I have only had one miscarriage, there are women who go through this over and over again - my story isn't completed yet but as of today I can say I have only lost one baby. And lastly, I have one amazing, healthy baby who I conceived and carried with ease. So many women aren't as blessed as me there either. So the cup isn't half empty, its definately half full BUT it still stings sometimes.
The thing I find hardest to deal with is the envy that I get hit with from time to time. Its not that I'm not happy for ppl announcing they are pregnant or holding their beautiful babies because I am - but its a hard reminder that I'm not there right now and would love to be.
Last week a friend was visiting so we had a play date at the park. Her baby is brand new, just 7weeks old. My beautiful Pie just fell in love instantly with this baby, she kept peaking in her pram at her then smiling and giggling and saying 'bubba'. She touched her beautiful little face and tried to give her back her dummy (in the eye - Pie never had a dummy so she isn't an expert on them ;) It was beautiful to watch but made my heart ache with desire to give Pie a little baby sibling of her own. She would be such an amazing big sister. Will, not would, I'm not giving up hope just yet. I dream about what it will be like, it won't be my baby, it will be our baby, mine, Pies and Kev's. It will be so unbelievably loved, an adoring big sister to learn from and a Mummy and Daddy who won't forget how lucky they are to have these beautiful babies. If I was religious this is what I would pray for every night.
I didn't hold the my friends baby, usually I'm first in line but I just couldn't bring myself to do it this time. My best friend is having a baby, I'll hold her when she arrives but I think I'll wait until then to hold a baby. I know my besty will understand if I cry, I won't need to explain or apologise, she will know how happy I am for her and how much I will love that precious little baby of hers and that my hurt will never lesson my happiness for her. That is why she is my best friend. The fine line between happy for you and sad for me isn't an issue with my besties - that might make me a bad person but its true. The happy for them never gets affected by the sad for me, ever.
I'm very blessed to have 3 wonderful besties, my a-team. On Monday they all gathered around me with hugs and made me laugh and cry, one of them held my hand at the hospital while a crazy Dr talked to me about the situation like he was talking to me about a trip to the beach, or a car breakdown or a cup of coffee. He didn't upset me, I felt resigned to the situation before I even went there - but he didn't talk like we were talking about a baby being miscarried, yet at that time that is what he thought it was too. My a-team amaze me, without them I might not cope as well as I am right now. They all have had and continue to go through their own fair share of heart ache, they are strong and loving and get me in a way most people don't ever get the chance to. They are awesome :- )
jodi x
Well apparently what I had was not a chemical pregnancy but a phantom pregnancy. This is good news (even if it does not necessarily feel like it), I was never pregnant in the first place and therefore didn't have another miscarriage. 1 miscarriages is definitely better than 2 miscarriages - especially 2 miscarriages 2 months apart. Apparently my body decided to store some baby hormones from last time - just enough to give me a false positive home pregnancy test results and false hope and false heartache over losing another baby which it turns out I never even had. Thanks world. Talk about a mind fuck! And yep I'm going to swear, apologies! I had to recheck those tests again just to make sure it hadn't all been in my head but nope, there was a second little pink line - a little pink line that meant absolutely nothing it turns out.
I threw the tests in the bin last night. And the test from the miscarriage pregnancy too. I need to move on and having them there to look at, cruel little pink lines that mean nothing, is not helpful in moving on.
In all honesty I'm mostly fine. I'm sad but I'm thankful too - my situation is easier than many other women's. I had 1 very early miscarriage, I was somewhat prepared for it as the test results were not as strong as they should be. Yes it broke my heart but I imagine my heart break would have only been worse the longer the pregnancy had lasted - so compared to a woman losing her baby at 10 weeks or 15 weeks or 19weeks I feel lucky. I have only had one miscarriage, there are women who go through this over and over again - my story isn't completed yet but as of today I can say I have only lost one baby. And lastly, I have one amazing, healthy baby who I conceived and carried with ease. So many women aren't as blessed as me there either. So the cup isn't half empty, its definately half full BUT it still stings sometimes.
The thing I find hardest to deal with is the envy that I get hit with from time to time. Its not that I'm not happy for ppl announcing they are pregnant or holding their beautiful babies because I am - but its a hard reminder that I'm not there right now and would love to be.Last week a friend was visiting so we had a play date at the park. Her baby is brand new, just 7weeks old. My beautiful Pie just fell in love instantly with this baby, she kept peaking in her pram at her then smiling and giggling and saying 'bubba'. She touched her beautiful little face and tried to give her back her dummy (in the eye - Pie never had a dummy so she isn't an expert on them ;) It was beautiful to watch but made my heart ache with desire to give Pie a little baby sibling of her own. She would be such an amazing big sister. Will, not would, I'm not giving up hope just yet. I dream about what it will be like, it won't be my baby, it will be our baby, mine, Pies and Kev's. It will be so unbelievably loved, an adoring big sister to learn from and a Mummy and Daddy who won't forget how lucky they are to have these beautiful babies. If I was religious this is what I would pray for every night.
I didn't hold the my friends baby, usually I'm first in line but I just couldn't bring myself to do it this time. My best friend is having a baby, I'll hold her when she arrives but I think I'll wait until then to hold a baby. I know my besty will understand if I cry, I won't need to explain or apologise, she will know how happy I am for her and how much I will love that precious little baby of hers and that my hurt will never lesson my happiness for her. That is why she is my best friend. The fine line between happy for you and sad for me isn't an issue with my besties - that might make me a bad person but its true. The happy for them never gets affected by the sad for me, ever.I'm very blessed to have 3 wonderful besties, my a-team. On Monday they all gathered around me with hugs and made me laugh and cry, one of them held my hand at the hospital while a crazy Dr talked to me about the situation like he was talking to me about a trip to the beach, or a car breakdown or a cup of coffee. He didn't upset me, I felt resigned to the situation before I even went there - but he didn't talk like we were talking about a baby being miscarried, yet at that time that is what he thought it was too. My a-team amaze me, without them I might not cope as well as I am right now. They all have had and continue to go through their own fair share of heart ache, they are strong and loving and get me in a way most people don't ever get the chance to. They are awesome :- )
And of course my amazing husband. He doesn't quite understand how I feel but he grieves too, it was his baby and faux baby too, its his dream family that we want to create too. His heart ache hurts so much to see because I never want him to hurt - I love him so much and he loves me. I just keep reminding him that we are lucky and we are good people and all the crappy tests the universe sends our way only make us stronger together anyway. I love you Kev xxx
jodi x
Monday, 24 September 2012
Lucky charms?
Hello world,
So its been a while (again!) - we were without internet for a bit too long, I've been on hens weekends and mini vay-cay's, we bought a family sized car, then discovered our old car needs some fairly expensive repairs (damn it!!!) and life's been busy! But in keeping with the current trend of my blog I'm back and not with the best news :-S
Last week I got a very faint positive pregnancy test - I tested the next day and another very faint HPT and last night I started bleeding again :( A trip to the hospital later and I've had a chemical pregnancy and its over now. What the hell? Are you effing kidding me! So apparently a chemical pregnancy means I had a fertilised egg and it didn't implant and now its gone. On the bright side - there is still no reason to think it will happen again, its probably just bad luck. So how do I manage to get myself some good luck???
Jodi x
So its been a while (again!) - we were without internet for a bit too long, I've been on hens weekends and mini vay-cay's, we bought a family sized car, then discovered our old car needs some fairly expensive repairs (damn it!!!) and life's been busy! But in keeping with the current trend of my blog I'm back and not with the best news :-S
Last week I got a very faint positive pregnancy test - I tested the next day and another very faint HPT and last night I started bleeding again :( A trip to the hospital later and I've had a chemical pregnancy and its over now. What the hell? Are you effing kidding me! So apparently a chemical pregnancy means I had a fertilised egg and it didn't implant and now its gone. On the bright side - there is still no reason to think it will happen again, its probably just bad luck. So how do I manage to get myself some good luck???
Jodi x
Friday, 10 August 2012
1 month
Hello world,
It was 1 month ago today that I got a very faint positive pregnancy test. It was 1 month ago that I emailed one of my besties and said "its so faint i sort of wonder if its going to stay put but we will see, hope so!" and told another of my besties that the test didn't look right.
I feel pretty good now all in all. The grieving is over, I can think about it without crying. I laugh and feel happy again. Of course I'm still sad inside about the baby I never got to have. When friends put up pics of their gorgeous bumps and breathtaking new born babies I feel an ache and sometimes shed a tear. I feel a lot of anger towards women complaining about how hard being pregnant is when I know that the alternative is so much harder and would give anything to trade them places. I think it will always be that way, joining the miscarriage club changes you in a lot of ways.
The thought of being pregnant again doesn't fill me with the panic it did last week or the week before. I'm not convinced it (MC) will happen again like I was and I know that if it does happen again it will be horrible, but I will survive. I know we will have another healthy baby in our family (hopefully another 2 or 3).
1 month seems so strange to me - in some ways it feels like the positive test was so so long ago and sometimes it feel like it can't have possibly been a month already.
Jodi xo
It was 1 month ago today that I got a very faint positive pregnancy test. It was 1 month ago that I emailed one of my besties and said "its so faint i sort of wonder if its going to stay put but we will see, hope so!" and told another of my besties that the test didn't look right.
I feel pretty good now all in all. The grieving is over, I can think about it without crying. I laugh and feel happy again. Of course I'm still sad inside about the baby I never got to have. When friends put up pics of their gorgeous bumps and breathtaking new born babies I feel an ache and sometimes shed a tear. I feel a lot of anger towards women complaining about how hard being pregnant is when I know that the alternative is so much harder and would give anything to trade them places. I think it will always be that way, joining the miscarriage club changes you in a lot of ways.
The thought of being pregnant again doesn't fill me with the panic it did last week or the week before. I'm not convinced it (MC) will happen again like I was and I know that if it does happen again it will be horrible, but I will survive. I know we will have another healthy baby in our family (hopefully another 2 or 3).
1 month seems so strange to me - in some ways it feels like the positive test was so so long ago and sometimes it feel like it can't have possibly been a month already.
Jodi xo
Monday, 23 July 2012
Wishing for the Spring!!!!
Hello world,
I wish winter would end today. I feel like the grey sky and the icy winds are making me curl up in a cloud of my own depression. I don't think I'm clinically depressed, I don't think I need medicating but I feel depressed and the awful winter sky isn't making it easy to shake. Maybe the weather is coincidental, maybe I would feel like this today even if the sun were shining brightly, warming my skin and taking the grey twinge from the world. But I feel like I've spent the past few weeks curled up in my bed or curled up on the couch, cold and blue, just waiting for it to change.
I feel like the miscarriage is a wall between Kev and I right now. I feel so angry yet sad and just want to hide deep within myself so I pull away from him. I always pull away when I am hurt or scared to be hurt. But I don't want to pull away from Kev, with him it should be different. I also feel like he is angry with me even though he probably is not. The awful voice inside my head tells me he should be mad at me, my body didn't do its job and because of that our baby went away.
I feel like we are snapping at each other continually, I know I am short with him but I don't think its all just from me, I think Kev is doing his fair share of snapping too. A friend pointed out that its because I know he loves me and he won't stop loving me that it feels ok to take it out on him. Kev is stuck with me when I am at my best but also when I am at my worst.
The worst part is that I know Kev's hurting too, he blames himself sometimes, he feels hopeless that he can't 'fix' me or the situation and he feels rejected that I keep holding him at arms length. I feel like a bad partner that I'm not helping him more to deal with it too but I'm scared of facing his sadness and falling apart again. I don't know if that even makes sense but seeing his sadness hurts and I feel like I can't handle more hurt at the moment.
I wish I knew how to grieve faster.
Jodi x
I wish winter would end today. I feel like the grey sky and the icy winds are making me curl up in a cloud of my own depression. I don't think I'm clinically depressed, I don't think I need medicating but I feel depressed and the awful winter sky isn't making it easy to shake. Maybe the weather is coincidental, maybe I would feel like this today even if the sun were shining brightly, warming my skin and taking the grey twinge from the world. But I feel like I've spent the past few weeks curled up in my bed or curled up on the couch, cold and blue, just waiting for it to change.
I feel like the miscarriage is a wall between Kev and I right now. I feel so angry yet sad and just want to hide deep within myself so I pull away from him. I always pull away when I am hurt or scared to be hurt. But I don't want to pull away from Kev, with him it should be different. I also feel like he is angry with me even though he probably is not. The awful voice inside my head tells me he should be mad at me, my body didn't do its job and because of that our baby went away.
I feel like we are snapping at each other continually, I know I am short with him but I don't think its all just from me, I think Kev is doing his fair share of snapping too. A friend pointed out that its because I know he loves me and he won't stop loving me that it feels ok to take it out on him. Kev is stuck with me when I am at my best but also when I am at my worst.
The worst part is that I know Kev's hurting too, he blames himself sometimes, he feels hopeless that he can't 'fix' me or the situation and he feels rejected that I keep holding him at arms length. I feel like a bad partner that I'm not helping him more to deal with it too but I'm scared of facing his sadness and falling apart again. I don't know if that even makes sense but seeing his sadness hurts and I feel like I can't handle more hurt at the moment.
I wish I knew how to grieve faster.
Jodi x
Friday, 20 July 2012
Facebook assault
Hello world,
If I don't blog I may scream (or end up sobbing for hours in my bed again tonight - either or!) I feel like Facebook is rubbing shit in my face! I log on last night and top of my news feed is this:
Don't get me wrong, its beautiful and there should be more things like it but I came to Facebook for a distraction, instead there are tears running down my face as I see my own situation in statue form. I scroll down and there are little newborn feet with a quote about the joys of new babies, then beautiful maternity clothes on gorgeous glowing pregnant women. Its a bit much really. So I click on my Facebook mothers group instead and photos of gorgeous pregnant bellies, newborn bundles of joy and beautiful 3D ultrasounds hit me - pow, pow, pow! The ache of jealousy I feel really surprises me. Its not that I'm not happy that they are happy, its that I'm devastated that I am not happy like that too. But I am happy, I love my beautiful daughter and husband and if Pie is the only baby I ever get I will still count myself as very blessed BUT I'd be so much happier if I wasn't so sad wishing our little baby had stayed stuck and was growing deep within me right now. And its that happiness that I'm jealous of. I'd even take a big dose of morning sickness with a smile on my face (well a smile in my heart maybe - its hard to smile while vomiting!) right now. I hope the sadness and jealousy doesn't change me for the worse, make me bitter. I just have to remember how blessed I am and take the hurt as a constant reminder of how wonderful every moment as a mummy is. So before I lose my shit and let my miscarriage hulk loose on the world I'm logging off for the night and putting a DVD on - fingers crossed it isn't filled with all the stuff that Facebook is hurling at me!
jodi x
If I don't blog I may scream (or end up sobbing for hours in my bed again tonight - either or!) I feel like Facebook is rubbing shit in my face! I log on last night and top of my news feed is this:
Don't get me wrong, its beautiful and there should be more things like it but I came to Facebook for a distraction, instead there are tears running down my face as I see my own situation in statue form. I scroll down and there are little newborn feet with a quote about the joys of new babies, then beautiful maternity clothes on gorgeous glowing pregnant women. Its a bit much really. So I click on my Facebook mothers group instead and photos of gorgeous pregnant bellies, newborn bundles of joy and beautiful 3D ultrasounds hit me - pow, pow, pow! The ache of jealousy I feel really surprises me. Its not that I'm not happy that they are happy, its that I'm devastated that I am not happy like that too. But I am happy, I love my beautiful daughter and husband and if Pie is the only baby I ever get I will still count myself as very blessed BUT I'd be so much happier if I wasn't so sad wishing our little baby had stayed stuck and was growing deep within me right now. And its that happiness that I'm jealous of. I'd even take a big dose of morning sickness with a smile on my face (well a smile in my heart maybe - its hard to smile while vomiting!) right now. I hope the sadness and jealousy doesn't change me for the worse, make me bitter. I just have to remember how blessed I am and take the hurt as a constant reminder of how wonderful every moment as a mummy is. So before I lose my shit and let my miscarriage hulk loose on the world I'm logging off for the night and putting a DVD on - fingers crossed it isn't filled with all the stuff that Facebook is hurling at me!
jodi x
Thursday, 19 July 2012
The Club
Hello world,
Today I got my official membership to that dreaded club :(
There really isn't much to say about it but I thought I'd put this poem that I came across here - a little dedication to my little angel baby...
jodi x
Today I got my official membership to that dreaded club :(
jodi x
Wednesday, 18 July 2012
The Wait
Hello world,
It has been a long time since my last blog post, I've been slack but I was planning a triumphant return. I'd start blogging when I got a positive pregnancy test and we were expecting baby number 2, I thought it'd be a great way to keep a journal for baby number 2 and a great way to share my exciting news without actually sharing my exciting news (cos I have a reading audience of - ummm me ;) We decided about 2 months ago it was time to start trying for baby number 2. Cycle 1 wasn't the winner but cycle 2, with some help from 50 shades of Grey had us well on our way to making a shades of grey baby. (If u haven't read it and want to make a baby, I recommend it)
Anyway, the first positive pregnancy test happened on Monday last week and yet there was no blog post - yep, slack! It was very faint and the line wasn't where I'd expect a line to be for a positive result. You see, I cheaped out and bought the ebay cheapy test strips because I used about a dozen (I'm exaggerating, but only slightly) tests when I fell pregnant with Pie and I thought, 'hey if I'm going to pee on sticks I'd much prefer to pay 50c for them then $8'. So I tested again on Tuesday with one of the aforementioned $8 sticks (cos I used all the cheap ones I'd bought peeing on them in the days before Monday when I suspected something was going on it there - see I told u I have a tendency to pee on sticks) and there it was - a faint little pink line in the 'Pregnant' window. I took it to hubby, he could see it to, we hugged and smiled and were so happy. New home and now a new baby on the way :)
In the week up to that (between peeing on 50c sticks) we had been moving house, so it's been a pretty busy time. Tuesday was spent doing the final outgoing clean, so by Tuesday night I was in agony from over doing it and certainly not in the mood for blogging.
Then it was Wednesday and I woke up to find I was bleeding - not heavily enough to ruin my brand new awesome bed (which I will no doubt blog about in the future but right now its not that important in my head) but heavy enough to think that I'll never hold this little baby in my arms or feel its little fluttery kicks or know if it was a boy or a girl. And that certainly didn't lead to a happy return to the blogosphere. It did however bring me to be a member of the club.
So whats the club? I'd always been aware of 'the club' and, especially since having Pie, I'd felt a lot of empathy for its members. I'd share remembrance posts about miscarriage and the loss of a baby and women would ask "do you have an angel baby?" and I'd almost feel ashamed to have been so blessed - 1 for 1, 1 wonderful pregnancy and 1 amazing healthy baby. Go me. The day my little Pie was born, 3 other women that I know gave birth too, 4 little babies but only 3 of them were to stay in this world. Knowing that my baby survived and her baby did not is a constant reminder of how blessed I am.
This club is for mumma's who have suffered the loss of a child. Of course, I didn't want to join it, I never want to join! I'd take the shame of being so, so lucky when others aren't any day of the week over a lifetime membership to a club of heartache and grief. I know how loving a baby feels and the loss of one is a pain I never want to feel... and yet its Wednesday and here I am, registration papers in hand, bleeding heavier than I have bled before, feeling excruciating pains in my back, all set to join the club. Just 24hrs ago I was showing my husband the faded little pink line that held so much promise.
I think thats the worst part - only 24hrs so I feel like I don't deserve to grieve, like my loss is insignificant because I only really knew about this baby for such a short time and to be honest, I had a bad feeling too. It was like a ball of stress in the pit of my stomach, swirling with doubts that I was trying to ignore - 'The test result is too faint', My symptoms aren't strong, I don't feel like I'm pregnant', 'It's nothing like when I was expecting Pie'... With Pie I had my first faint positive when I was 3 and a half weeks - according to my dates it was 5 weeks now and all I get is this faint glimmer of a line to tell me the little bubble in my head is real. And now I'm bleeding and cramping and its just not fair. I come back to bed sobbing and tell my husband that I think I'm losing our baby. He holds me and we cry together.
Wednesday I stayed in bed, I made my husband tell my family, I cried, I grieved. My family came, my friends circled around to see if I was ok and although I was sad, I was ok. Everyone told me to go to the Dr but I wasn't ready to be that strong. Offspring broke my heart when my favourite woman on TV bled like me and yet got a happy ending - I wished for it, hoped for it but knew it wasn't the same. So Thursday I made a Drs apt.
I told the Doctor about the pain, the agonising backpain and the cramps like a bad period. I told the Doctor about the bleeding and how it hadn't eased. The Dr read my file, he said things like "It was only faint positive but you should be 5 weeks? You may need to go to the hospital." and "You had a cervix tear when you gave birth to your daughter? You'll have to go to the hospital." and "You have a negative blood type, you will have to go to the hospital, you need anti-D shots for the safety of future pregnancies." I felt scared, I squeezed my husbands hand while the Doctor rang the hospital "I've got a girl here with a probable or impending miscarriage." he said. The hope I'd let build up sank again... The M word, from the doctors mouth. He hung up, printed out his notes and said to me "Do you know where casualty is? Go straight there now." and sent me on my way. All the little tad bits of information I'd picked up without realising began to scream at me in my head
Was this cos I didn't have enough anti-D shots during my pregnancy with Pie? Was I supposed to go back and get one? Was this all my fault?? Or had my bad tears birthing Piper made it so I simply won't be able to carry another baby?? A light positive... maybe its ectopic?? Or worse, was this all my fault because I had insisted on not going home to rest but working so hard to clean the stupid old house? What could I have done differently?? Why was this happening to us?
We got there, they took me in, they asked me all the questions, was this my first pregnancy? Had I miscarried before? How was the pain? How long since I'd had pain killers? How heavy was the bleeding? How pregnant did I think I was? They took some blood and asked me to pee in a cup and then they sent me to the waiting room to wait... The longer I waited the more my head played games with me - at one point I was half expecting them to come to me and say "I'm sorry, we checked your blood and urine samples and you weren't pregnant, this has all been a Nina-esque figment of your imagination you drama queen." One of the nurses even looked like Dr Klegg. And then finally a Doctor called me back in.
She said she was sorry I'd had to wait so long, she asked how I was feeling (not peachey funnily enough), she told me that my hormone levels test results were in and the levels were very low - 32 (now a number I'm not such a fan of). She explained that a level of 32 would suggest a very early pregnancy, not a 5 week pregnancy or... and she couldn't look me in the eye and her lip had a little quiver and I said "or it means I've had a miscarriage." she nodded and asked how I was feeling, "Ok, we sort of knew." I say. She explains they have to do further blood tests to confirm it but if my bleeding or pain gets worse I need to come straight back. She gives me the number for the early pregnancy clinic who will handle my case from there and do the follow up care and talk to me about what next.
Now I just have to have an anti-D shot and then I can go home - so I wait... and finally a nurse comes and takes me to a different room. She goes to get the right medicine from maternity, she chats to another nurse about her slow day, she gets her little nurses tray organised - I wait, I feel like it takes a year and I so desperately want to be out of there. She comes back and jabs the needle into my arm, "This ones a stingy one." she explains sympathetically as she slowly injects it in, drop by agonising drop. But I can't feel the syrum, physically I am numb. Being stuck there trying to hold in the sobs that want to escape me, thats what hurts. And finally she rubs the injection site for a lifetime, puts on a little bandaid and lets me go home. As the doors close behind us the tears start to stream down my face and I sob to Kev "I was hoping I was wrong, I wanted it to be ok so badly." That night Piper stayed with Nanny and Granddad so Kev and I cried and grieved together again. Kev wondered when we could try again, I wondered if this baby would have been like Pie. My wonderful friends offered me their strength and love and support. Those who were in the club already, so knew, held my hand, I cried more, I wondered when the miscarriage would be over. And I slept.
Friday came and I got a call from the EPC, they told me to come in and pick up blood test forms so they could get a full picture. They told me to get the blood test over the weekend and they would call me Monday to make an apt for the clinic that week. And life went on, I was sad but I was ok, sometimes I burst into tears for no reason but I had a perfectly acceptable explanation for that. Monday morning I had my blood test and I waited for the EPC to call. And waited and waited... At 4pm they called, the nurses asked me how far pregnant I should be and I told her it would be 6 weeks this week and then she said the strangest thing "You haven't had a miscarriage. We got your blood test results and your hormone levels have more than doubled since Thursday."
Unfortunately, its not entirely good news yet - the hormone levels are low and although rising it wasn't a huge rise. There could be a perfectly healthy little embryo growing in there, or it could be ectopic or not developing properly in some other way. So the nurse made me an appointment for Thursday at 2.15 and since Monday at 4pm I have been waiting... Waiting for the appointment when they will do more tests and scans so we will actually know where we stand... Waiting for the bleeding to start again... Waiting for morning sickness to kick in...Waiting until its safe to stop fighting the happiness and excitement I feel... Waiting for my world to come crashing down again... Waiting, waiting, waiting...
And now its Wednesday again and I'm still in limbo but tomorrow it will be Thursday and tomorrow I might know more.
Jodi x
It has been a long time since my last blog post, I've been slack but I was planning a triumphant return. I'd start blogging when I got a positive pregnancy test and we were expecting baby number 2, I thought it'd be a great way to keep a journal for baby number 2 and a great way to share my exciting news without actually sharing my exciting news (cos I have a reading audience of - ummm me ;) We decided about 2 months ago it was time to start trying for baby number 2. Cycle 1 wasn't the winner but cycle 2, with some help from 50 shades of Grey had us well on our way to making a shades of grey baby. (If u haven't read it and want to make a baby, I recommend it)
Anyway, the first positive pregnancy test happened on Monday last week and yet there was no blog post - yep, slack! It was very faint and the line wasn't where I'd expect a line to be for a positive result. You see, I cheaped out and bought the ebay cheapy test strips because I used about a dozen (I'm exaggerating, but only slightly) tests when I fell pregnant with Pie and I thought, 'hey if I'm going to pee on sticks I'd much prefer to pay 50c for them then $8'. So I tested again on Tuesday with one of the aforementioned $8 sticks (cos I used all the cheap ones I'd bought peeing on them in the days before Monday when I suspected something was going on it there - see I told u I have a tendency to pee on sticks) and there it was - a faint little pink line in the 'Pregnant' window. I took it to hubby, he could see it to, we hugged and smiled and were so happy. New home and now a new baby on the way :)
In the week up to that (between peeing on 50c sticks) we had been moving house, so it's been a pretty busy time. Tuesday was spent doing the final outgoing clean, so by Tuesday night I was in agony from over doing it and certainly not in the mood for blogging.
Then it was Wednesday and I woke up to find I was bleeding - not heavily enough to ruin my brand new awesome bed (which I will no doubt blog about in the future but right now its not that important in my head) but heavy enough to think that I'll never hold this little baby in my arms or feel its little fluttery kicks or know if it was a boy or a girl. And that certainly didn't lead to a happy return to the blogosphere. It did however bring me to be a member of the club.
So whats the club? I'd always been aware of 'the club' and, especially since having Pie, I'd felt a lot of empathy for its members. I'd share remembrance posts about miscarriage and the loss of a baby and women would ask "do you have an angel baby?" and I'd almost feel ashamed to have been so blessed - 1 for 1, 1 wonderful pregnancy and 1 amazing healthy baby. Go me. The day my little Pie was born, 3 other women that I know gave birth too, 4 little babies but only 3 of them were to stay in this world. Knowing that my baby survived and her baby did not is a constant reminder of how blessed I am.
This club is for mumma's who have suffered the loss of a child. Of course, I didn't want to join it, I never want to join! I'd take the shame of being so, so lucky when others aren't any day of the week over a lifetime membership to a club of heartache and grief. I know how loving a baby feels and the loss of one is a pain I never want to feel... and yet its Wednesday and here I am, registration papers in hand, bleeding heavier than I have bled before, feeling excruciating pains in my back, all set to join the club. Just 24hrs ago I was showing my husband the faded little pink line that held so much promise.
I think thats the worst part - only 24hrs so I feel like I don't deserve to grieve, like my loss is insignificant because I only really knew about this baby for such a short time and to be honest, I had a bad feeling too. It was like a ball of stress in the pit of my stomach, swirling with doubts that I was trying to ignore - 'The test result is too faint', My symptoms aren't strong, I don't feel like I'm pregnant', 'It's nothing like when I was expecting Pie'... With Pie I had my first faint positive when I was 3 and a half weeks - according to my dates it was 5 weeks now and all I get is this faint glimmer of a line to tell me the little bubble in my head is real. And now I'm bleeding and cramping and its just not fair. I come back to bed sobbing and tell my husband that I think I'm losing our baby. He holds me and we cry together.
Wednesday I stayed in bed, I made my husband tell my family, I cried, I grieved. My family came, my friends circled around to see if I was ok and although I was sad, I was ok. Everyone told me to go to the Dr but I wasn't ready to be that strong. Offspring broke my heart when my favourite woman on TV bled like me and yet got a happy ending - I wished for it, hoped for it but knew it wasn't the same. So Thursday I made a Drs apt.
I told the Doctor about the pain, the agonising backpain and the cramps like a bad period. I told the Doctor about the bleeding and how it hadn't eased. The Dr read my file, he said things like "It was only faint positive but you should be 5 weeks? You may need to go to the hospital." and "You had a cervix tear when you gave birth to your daughter? You'll have to go to the hospital." and "You have a negative blood type, you will have to go to the hospital, you need anti-D shots for the safety of future pregnancies." I felt scared, I squeezed my husbands hand while the Doctor rang the hospital "I've got a girl here with a probable or impending miscarriage." he said. The hope I'd let build up sank again... The M word, from the doctors mouth. He hung up, printed out his notes and said to me "Do you know where casualty is? Go straight there now." and sent me on my way. All the little tad bits of information I'd picked up without realising began to scream at me in my head
Was this cos I didn't have enough anti-D shots during my pregnancy with Pie? Was I supposed to go back and get one? Was this all my fault?? Or had my bad tears birthing Piper made it so I simply won't be able to carry another baby?? A light positive... maybe its ectopic?? Or worse, was this all my fault because I had insisted on not going home to rest but working so hard to clean the stupid old house? What could I have done differently?? Why was this happening to us?
We got there, they took me in, they asked me all the questions, was this my first pregnancy? Had I miscarried before? How was the pain? How long since I'd had pain killers? How heavy was the bleeding? How pregnant did I think I was? They took some blood and asked me to pee in a cup and then they sent me to the waiting room to wait... The longer I waited the more my head played games with me - at one point I was half expecting them to come to me and say "I'm sorry, we checked your blood and urine samples and you weren't pregnant, this has all been a Nina-esque figment of your imagination you drama queen." One of the nurses even looked like Dr Klegg. And then finally a Doctor called me back in.
She said she was sorry I'd had to wait so long, she asked how I was feeling (not peachey funnily enough), she told me that my hormone levels test results were in and the levels were very low - 32 (now a number I'm not such a fan of). She explained that a level of 32 would suggest a very early pregnancy, not a 5 week pregnancy or... and she couldn't look me in the eye and her lip had a little quiver and I said "or it means I've had a miscarriage." she nodded and asked how I was feeling, "Ok, we sort of knew." I say. She explains they have to do further blood tests to confirm it but if my bleeding or pain gets worse I need to come straight back. She gives me the number for the early pregnancy clinic who will handle my case from there and do the follow up care and talk to me about what next.
Now I just have to have an anti-D shot and then I can go home - so I wait... and finally a nurse comes and takes me to a different room. She goes to get the right medicine from maternity, she chats to another nurse about her slow day, she gets her little nurses tray organised - I wait, I feel like it takes a year and I so desperately want to be out of there. She comes back and jabs the needle into my arm, "This ones a stingy one." she explains sympathetically as she slowly injects it in, drop by agonising drop. But I can't feel the syrum, physically I am numb. Being stuck there trying to hold in the sobs that want to escape me, thats what hurts. And finally she rubs the injection site for a lifetime, puts on a little bandaid and lets me go home. As the doors close behind us the tears start to stream down my face and I sob to Kev "I was hoping I was wrong, I wanted it to be ok so badly." That night Piper stayed with Nanny and Granddad so Kev and I cried and grieved together again. Kev wondered when we could try again, I wondered if this baby would have been like Pie. My wonderful friends offered me their strength and love and support. Those who were in the club already, so knew, held my hand, I cried more, I wondered when the miscarriage would be over. And I slept.
Friday came and I got a call from the EPC, they told me to come in and pick up blood test forms so they could get a full picture. They told me to get the blood test over the weekend and they would call me Monday to make an apt for the clinic that week. And life went on, I was sad but I was ok, sometimes I burst into tears for no reason but I had a perfectly acceptable explanation for that. Monday morning I had my blood test and I waited for the EPC to call. And waited and waited... At 4pm they called, the nurses asked me how far pregnant I should be and I told her it would be 6 weeks this week and then she said the strangest thing "You haven't had a miscarriage. We got your blood test results and your hormone levels have more than doubled since Thursday."
Unfortunately, its not entirely good news yet - the hormone levels are low and although rising it wasn't a huge rise. There could be a perfectly healthy little embryo growing in there, or it could be ectopic or not developing properly in some other way. So the nurse made me an appointment for Thursday at 2.15 and since Monday at 4pm I have been waiting... Waiting for the appointment when they will do more tests and scans so we will actually know where we stand... Waiting for the bleeding to start again... Waiting for morning sickness to kick in...Waiting until its safe to stop fighting the happiness and excitement I feel... Waiting for my world to come crashing down again... Waiting, waiting, waiting...
And now its Wednesday again and I'm still in limbo but tomorrow it will be Thursday and tomorrow I might know more.
Jodi x
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