Hello world,
So the chlomid coaster of month 1 resulted in pretty much SFA. AND my OB is away so if he doesn't check in with the office and decide to increase my dosage in the next 5days, I'll be on cycle 2 with all its shitty side affects that lead to a crappy ovulation that won't make a baby anyway... Sigh...
Jodi x
Thursday, 26 September 2013
Why chlomid sucks!
Hello world,
Well my husband has great sperm. Yay! Except that means the problem is me! Woot! And that problem is PCOS. Now, I was told this was my problem way back when I was 16 and I'd been on a special pill for most of my adult life. BUT I got pregnant straight up with Piper and straight up with the miscarriage so although it was a problem, I assumed it wasn't really a problem for me. Sure it makes me pile weight on easily and grow crappy facial hair and get pimpley but it didn't affect my fertility... Until now. And because it does not, its super drug time (Sarcasm on the 'super drug' but if it works I probably won't remember how shitful it is.. probably).
So why does chlomid suck? After all its just 5 little pills, how bad can it be???
Let me outline just a few little things that you won't know about chlomid unless you've taken a ride on the chlomid coaster. My specialist told me "The side affects are minimal, just normal PMS symptoms really." (thank you doctor with penis who has never had PMS or Chlomid, that advice was super helpful!)... Anyway Chlomid sucks because:
jodi x
Well my husband has great sperm. Yay! Except that means the problem is me! Woot! And that problem is PCOS. Now, I was told this was my problem way back when I was 16 and I'd been on a special pill for most of my adult life. BUT I got pregnant straight up with Piper and straight up with the miscarriage so although it was a problem, I assumed it wasn't really a problem for me. Sure it makes me pile weight on easily and grow crappy facial hair and get pimpley but it didn't affect my fertility... Until now. And because it does not, its super drug time (Sarcasm on the 'super drug' but if it works I probably won't remember how shitful it is.. probably).
So why does chlomid suck? After all its just 5 little pills, how bad can it be???
Let me outline just a few little things that you won't know about chlomid unless you've taken a ride on the chlomid coaster. My specialist told me "The side affects are minimal, just normal PMS symptoms really." (thank you doctor with penis who has never had PMS or Chlomid, that advice was super helpful!)... Anyway Chlomid sucks because:
- From 2hrs after I took the first of those little tablets I had a headache, and this headache lasted for WEEKS (and when u have a 4week cycle it doesnt give u much of a break between cycle 1 headache and cycle 2 headache!)! I wake up and before my eyes even opened, I have a headache! A constant, dull, aching headache that panadeine barely takes the edge off. I have never taken so much panadeine in my life and honeslty, I might as well have been taking tic-tacs for all the help it was!).
- Chlomid kills any desire you have for sex (which, after trying for a few months, isn't a whole lot of desire anyway!) which makes baby making a bit more challenging.
- But chlomid does give you a new and massive desire to kill your husband (not helpful when u need his best swimmers to try and catch one of your chemically induced ovulators!).
- Bring on the crying, and lots of it, about anything and everything; 'a drop of rain just landed on my windscreen and now I feel like the whole fucking world is against me!!!!!" cry cry cry etc.
- Also the screaming, ranting and general tantruming; for example my husband just breathed and I heard him so now I'm going to scream at him like I just caught him in bed with another woman while he stares at me like a bewildered bunny rabbit, trapped in the headlights of an oncoming SUV.
- Chlomid taken at night makes sleep almost impossible! But I'm scared to take it in the morning and be hit with the full assault of all the side affects during the day with my beautiful daughter stuck dealing with me!
- Chlomid makes me so horrible that even my poor little girl gets snapped at and then I feel like the worlds worst mother and wonder if I should even be given another child to care for and love!
- Thanks to chlomid, I now have more hot flushes then my poor menopausal Mum and ppl think these are the normal hormonal hot flushes u get from time to time anyway but no - these are like suddenly finding urself in the pits of hells inferno!
jodi x
Saturday, 6 April 2013
So long...
Hello world,
I really must be the world's worst blogger - its once again been such a long time!
Such a long time in fact that the baby I lost 'should' be here in my arms by now. But its not. And we aren't pregnant yet either.
Honestly, I'm in a pretty good place all in all. Don't get me wrong, it really stings when I see pictures of all the March/April babies that seem to be bombarding my Facebook feed. They remind me of what I lost and that reminder makes my heart (and womb) ache. And I definitely feel bitter when I hear anyone complain about their tiny babies, which no doubt makes people think the worst of me. I wish I could make them see that some of us would do anything to be having those bad moments, and that they are outnumbered by all the amazing ones that we are longing for too.
But this week I realised the things I would have lost if we hadn't lost that little baby and I am grateful to have had those things. Enjoying all the things Pie and I get to do together right now, as she moves from baby to little girl, things I wouldn't always have the time for if we had another baby in our home. The clarity that the loss of a pregnancy brings - I count myself so lucky for the blessing of Pie and I won't ever take pregnancy for granted if I am lucky enough to experience it again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy it happened but it did happen and this week I'm realising that sometimes things really do happen for a reason, even if its impossible to see at the time.
I am however sad that along the way I've lost my certainty. I always 'knew' in my heart that I would have a big family, 3 or 4 kids minimum. But lately I find myself thinking "if we have a 2nd baby" not "when we have our 2nd baby". Its not even something I'm conscious of, its just a change of thinking that has occurred in me and so I say if where I used to say when. Of course this is met by "it'll happen!" "don't talk like that - when you have another baby.." etc from well meaning friends and family but in truth, they don't know that, anymore than I do and no one can make promises that it will happen. Logically I know there is a good chance of it - we've been tested and the results are mostly good news - but in my heart I am at "if", its not that I've given up hoping or wanting or planning, just that I've stopped knowing that it will happen.
Our fertility journey continues to be bumpy, I am set to start fertility medications BUT we just have to wait for my body to play the game. I'm certainly being tested in patience but I'm trying to convince myself that this waiting is just so the universe can get the timing just right and that we will have a 2nd baby in our family some day in the not too distant future :-) Maybe once I'm convinced again then it will be!
jodi x
I really must be the world's worst blogger - its once again been such a long time!
Such a long time in fact that the baby I lost 'should' be here in my arms by now. But its not. And we aren't pregnant yet either.
Honestly, I'm in a pretty good place all in all. Don't get me wrong, it really stings when I see pictures of all the March/April babies that seem to be bombarding my Facebook feed. They remind me of what I lost and that reminder makes my heart (and womb) ache. And I definitely feel bitter when I hear anyone complain about their tiny babies, which no doubt makes people think the worst of me. I wish I could make them see that some of us would do anything to be having those bad moments, and that they are outnumbered by all the amazing ones that we are longing for too.
But this week I realised the things I would have lost if we hadn't lost that little baby and I am grateful to have had those things. Enjoying all the things Pie and I get to do together right now, as she moves from baby to little girl, things I wouldn't always have the time for if we had another baby in our home. The clarity that the loss of a pregnancy brings - I count myself so lucky for the blessing of Pie and I won't ever take pregnancy for granted if I am lucky enough to experience it again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy it happened but it did happen and this week I'm realising that sometimes things really do happen for a reason, even if its impossible to see at the time.
I am however sad that along the way I've lost my certainty. I always 'knew' in my heart that I would have a big family, 3 or 4 kids minimum. But lately I find myself thinking "if we have a 2nd baby" not "when we have our 2nd baby". Its not even something I'm conscious of, its just a change of thinking that has occurred in me and so I say if where I used to say when. Of course this is met by "it'll happen!" "don't talk like that - when you have another baby.." etc from well meaning friends and family but in truth, they don't know that, anymore than I do and no one can make promises that it will happen. Logically I know there is a good chance of it - we've been tested and the results are mostly good news - but in my heart I am at "if", its not that I've given up hoping or wanting or planning, just that I've stopped knowing that it will happen.
Our fertility journey continues to be bumpy, I am set to start fertility medications BUT we just have to wait for my body to play the game. I'm certainly being tested in patience but I'm trying to convince myself that this waiting is just so the universe can get the timing just right and that we will have a 2nd baby in our family some day in the not too distant future :-) Maybe once I'm convinced again then it will be!
jodi x
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Friday, 25 January 2013
"Sad"
There is a song I'm loving at the moment and have been loving since the MC happened. It certainly doesn't exactly fit my circumstances but it fits for me all the same. Its below if you want to read it - Maroon 5 - Sad.
I sometimes wish there were a magic erase button in life. I know that everything happens for a reason and that life has a certain way of doing things but sometimes its hard to remember that and some days I'm just sad and life would be so much easier if i could just erase the memory of those 3 positive pregnancy tests. Then my MC would just be a late and heavier than normal period and my 2 "false positives/chemical pregnancies/phantom pregnancies/mind fucks" would be too. I often wonder if I could have done somethings differently to make the outcome of the MC different - if I'd just listened to my body and rested instead of overdoing things in the post move clean up would I still be pregnant now? And yes I know the professionals say there is usually nothing you can do to change these things BUT part of me thinks "Of course they say that, if they didn't there would be a whole heap of women going crazy in their guilt and grief!" Another things is that I blame my body for not doing what it should have, for not nurturing that little egg and of course I play the "What would life have been like if...." .... 'If' is hard... And honestly, some days I feel like I am only holding on by a thin thread, some days I feel like it wouldn't take much to break me. And some days simple things do break me - seeing a new born photo on facebook, hearing another proud mum-to-be announce her pregnancy, someone complaining about having their hands-full with their multiple children or that their baby kept them up all night or wants to be fed or snuggled a lot at the moment, seeing how much Piper would love a baby while she plays with her dolls or clucks over friends babies; some days those kind of things are enough to reduce me to tears. Some days it puts a wedge between Kev and I because it makes me pull away into myself which makes him try and pull me closer which in turn makes me pull away more. I know he doesn't understand how I feel and that's ok, I don't want him to completely understand - he has his own experience of it and I wouldn't want him to feel it from my side because I love him and don't want him to hurt more than he already does/did. Anyway... so this is my song, I listen to it in the car and sing is loud a lot - just to get my sad out there so that it doesn't take control :-)
"Sad"
I sometimes wish there were a magic erase button in life. I know that everything happens for a reason and that life has a certain way of doing things but sometimes its hard to remember that and some days I'm just sad and life would be so much easier if i could just erase the memory of those 3 positive pregnancy tests. Then my MC would just be a late and heavier than normal period and my 2 "false positives/chemical pregnancies/phantom pregnancies/mind fucks" would be too. I often wonder if I could have done somethings differently to make the outcome of the MC different - if I'd just listened to my body and rested instead of overdoing things in the post move clean up would I still be pregnant now? And yes I know the professionals say there is usually nothing you can do to change these things BUT part of me thinks "Of course they say that, if they didn't there would be a whole heap of women going crazy in their guilt and grief!" Another things is that I blame my body for not doing what it should have, for not nurturing that little egg and of course I play the "What would life have been like if...." .... 'If' is hard... And honestly, some days I feel like I am only holding on by a thin thread, some days I feel like it wouldn't take much to break me. And some days simple things do break me - seeing a new born photo on facebook, hearing another proud mum-to-be announce her pregnancy, someone complaining about having their hands-full with their multiple children or that their baby kept them up all night or wants to be fed or snuggled a lot at the moment, seeing how much Piper would love a baby while she plays with her dolls or clucks over friends babies; some days those kind of things are enough to reduce me to tears. Some days it puts a wedge between Kev and I because it makes me pull away into myself which makes him try and pull me closer which in turn makes me pull away more. I know he doesn't understand how I feel and that's ok, I don't want him to completely understand - he has his own experience of it and I wouldn't want him to feel it from my side because I love him and don't want him to hurt more than he already does/did. Anyway... so this is my song, I listen to it in the car and sing is loud a lot - just to get my sad out there so that it doesn't take control :-)
"Sad"
Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad
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