The Phantom

Hello world,

Well apparently what I had was not a chemical pregnancy but a phantom pregnancy. This is good news (even if it does not necessarily feel like it), I was never pregnant in the first place and therefore didn't have another miscarriage. 1 miscarriages is definitely better than 2 miscarriages - especially 2 miscarriages 2 months apart. Apparently my body decided to store some baby hormones from last time - just enough to give me a false positive home pregnancy test results and false hope and false heartache over losing another baby which it turns out I never even had. Thanks world. Talk about a mind fuck! And yep I'm going to swear, apologies! I had to recheck those tests again just to make sure it hadn't all been in my head but nope, there was a second little pink line - a little pink line that meant absolutely nothing it turns out.

I threw the tests in the bin last night. And the test from the miscarriage pregnancy too. I need to move on and having them there to look at, cruel little pink lines that mean nothing, is not helpful in moving on.

In all honesty I'm mostly fine. I'm sad but I'm thankful too - my situation is easier than many other women's. I had 1 very early miscarriage, I was somewhat prepared for it as the test results were not as strong as they should be. Yes it broke my heart but I imagine my heart break would have only been worse the longer the pregnancy had lasted - so compared to a woman losing her baby at 10 weeks or 15 weeks or 19weeks I feel lucky. I have only had one miscarriage, there are women who go through this over and over again - my story isn't completed yet but as of today I can say I have only lost one baby. And lastly, I have one amazing, healthy baby who I conceived and carried with ease. So many women aren't as blessed as me there either. So the cup isn't half empty, its definately half full BUT it still stings sometimes.

The thing I find hardest to deal with is the envy that I get hit with from time to time. Its not that I'm not happy for ppl announcing they are pregnant or holding their beautiful babies because I am - but its a hard reminder that I'm not there right now and would love to be.

Last week a friend was visiting so we had a play date at the park. Her baby is brand new, just 7weeks old. My beautiful Pie just fell in love instantly with this baby, she kept peaking in her pram at her then smiling and giggling and saying 'bubba'. She touched her beautiful little face and tried to give her back her dummy (in the eye - Pie never had a dummy so she isn't an expert on them ;) It was beautiful to watch but made my heart ache with desire to give Pie a little baby sibling of her own. She would be such an amazing big sister. Will, not would, I'm not giving up hope just yet. I dream about what it will be like,  it won't be my baby, it will be our baby, mine, Pies and Kev's. It will be so unbelievably loved, an adoring big sister to learn from and a Mummy and Daddy who won't forget how lucky they are to have these beautiful babies. If I was religious this is what I would pray for every night.

 I didn't hold the my friends baby, usually I'm first in line but I just couldn't bring myself to do it this time. My best friend is having a baby, I'll hold her when she arrives but I think I'll wait until then to hold a baby. I know my besty will understand if I cry, I won't need to explain or apologise, she will know how happy I am for her and how much I will love that precious little baby of hers and that my hurt will never lesson my happiness for her. That is why she is my best friend. The fine line between happy for you and sad for me isn't an issue with my besties - that might make me a bad person but its true. The happy for them never gets affected by the sad for me, ever.

 I'm very blessed to have 3 wonderful besties, my a-team. On Monday they all gathered around me with hugs and made me laugh and cry, one of them held my hand at the hospital while a crazy Dr talked to me about the situation like he was talking to me about a trip to the beach, or a car breakdown or a cup of coffee. He didn't upset me, I felt resigned to the situation before I even went there - but he didn't talk like we were talking about a baby being miscarried, yet at that time that is what he thought it was too. My a-team amaze me, without them I might not cope as well as I am right now. They all have had and continue to go through their own fair share of heart ache, they are strong and loving and get me in a way most people don't ever get the chance to. They are awesome :- )

 

And of course my amazing husband. He doesn't quite understand how I feel but he grieves too, it was his baby and faux baby too, its his dream family that we want to create too. His heart ache hurts so much to see because I never want him to hurt - I love him so much and he loves me. I just keep reminding him that we are lucky and we are good people and all the crappy tests the universe sends our way only make us stronger together anyway. I love you Kev xxx

jodi x

Lucky charms?

Hello world,

So its been a while (again!) - we were without internet for a bit too long, I've been on hens weekends and mini vay-cay's, we bought a family sized car, then discovered our old car needs some fairly expensive repairs (damn it!!!) and life's been busy! But in keeping with the current trend of my blog I'm back and not with the best news :-S

Last week I got a very faint positive pregnancy test - I tested the next day and another very faint HPT and last night I started bleeding again :( A trip to the hospital later and I've had a chemical pregnancy and its over now. What the hell? Are you effing kidding me! So apparently a chemical pregnancy means I had a fertilised egg and it didn't implant and now its gone. On the bright side - there is still no reason to think it will happen again, its probably just bad luck. So how do I manage to get myself some good luck???

Jodi x

1 month

Hello world,
It was 1 month ago today that I got a very faint positive pregnancy test. It was 1 month ago that I emailed one of my besties and said "its so faint i sort of wonder if its going to stay put but we will see, hope so!" and told another of my besties that the test didn't look right.
I feel pretty good now all in all. The grieving is over, I can think about it without crying. I laugh and feel happy again. Of course I'm still sad inside about the baby I never got to have. When friends put up pics of their gorgeous bumps and breathtaking new born babies I feel an ache and sometimes shed a tear. I feel a lot of anger towards women complaining about how hard being pregnant is when I know that the alternative is so much harder and would give anything to trade them places. I think it will always be that way, joining the miscarriage club changes you in a lot of ways.
The thought of being pregnant again doesn't fill me with the panic it did last week or the week before. I'm not convinced it (MC) will happen again like I was and I know that if it does happen again it will be horrible, but I will survive. I know we will have another healthy baby in our family (hopefully another 2 or 3).
1 month seems so strange to me - in some ways it feels like the positive test was so so long ago and sometimes it feel like it can't have possibly been a month already.
Jodi xo

Wishing for the Spring!!!!

Hello world,

I wish winter would end today. I feel like the grey sky and the icy winds are making me curl up in a cloud of my own depression. I don't think I'm clinically depressed, I don't think I need medicating but I feel depressed and the awful winter sky isn't making it easy to shake. Maybe the weather is coincidental, maybe I would feel like this today even if the sun were shining brightly, warming my skin and taking the grey twinge from the world. But I feel like I've spent the past few weeks curled up in my bed or curled up on the couch, cold and blue, just waiting for it to change.

I feel like the miscarriage is a wall between Kev and I right now. I feel so angry yet sad and just want to hide deep within myself so I pull away from him. I always pull away when I am hurt or scared to be hurt. But I don't want to pull away from Kev, with him it should be different. I also feel like he is angry with me even though he probably is not. The awful voice inside my  head tells me he should be mad at me, my body didn't do its job and because of that our baby went away.

I feel like we are snapping at each other continually, I know I am short with him but I don't think its all just from me, I think Kev is doing his fair share of snapping too. A friend pointed out that its because I know he loves me and he won't stop loving me that it feels ok to take it out on him. Kev is stuck with me when I am at my best but also when I am at my worst.

The worst part is that I know Kev's hurting too, he blames himself sometimes, he feels hopeless that he can't 'fix' me or the situation and he feels rejected that I keep holding him at arms length. I feel like a bad partner that I'm not helping him more to deal with it too but I'm scared of facing his sadness and falling apart again. I don't know if that even makes sense but seeing his sadness hurts and I feel like I can't handle more hurt at the moment.

I wish I knew how to grieve faster.

Jodi x

Facebook assault

Hello world,

If I don't blog I may scream (or end up sobbing for hours in my bed again tonight - either or!) I feel like Facebook is rubbing shit in my face! I log on last night and top of my news feed is this:

Don't get me wrong, its beautiful and there should be more things like it but I came to Facebook for a distraction, instead there are tears running down my face as I see my own situation in statue form. I scroll down and there are little newborn feet with a quote about the joys of new babies, then beautiful maternity clothes on gorgeous glowing pregnant women. Its a bit much really. So I click on my Facebook mothers group instead and photos of gorgeous pregnant bellies, newborn bundles of joy and beautiful 3D ultrasounds hit me - pow, pow, pow! The ache of jealousy I feel really surprises me. Its not that I'm not happy that they are happy, its that I'm devastated that I am not happy like that too. But I am happy, I love my beautiful daughter and husband and if Pie is the only baby I ever get I will still count myself as very blessed BUT I'd be so much happier if I wasn't so sad wishing our little baby had stayed stuck and was growing deep within me right now. And its that happiness that I'm jealous of. I'd even take a big dose of morning sickness with a smile on my face (well a smile in my heart maybe - its hard to smile while vomiting!) right now. I hope the sadness and jealousy doesn't change me for the worse, make me bitter. I just have to remember how blessed I am and take the hurt as a constant reminder of how wonderful every moment as a mummy is. So before I lose my shit and let my miscarriage hulk loose on the world I'm logging off for the night and putting a DVD on - fingers crossed it isn't filled with all the stuff that Facebook is hurling at me!

jodi x